Mrs Bill

A Proper Copper

2009-07-06T17:30:00.004+01:00

Mr Bill has kindly written an update.

Well, it's been a while, I know. Sorry for the delay in blogging (again).

Well, I can't believe that I have now been in the police force for two years. Just last week, I completed my 2 year initial probationary period. I have now finished my necessary paperwork to enable me to obtain a NVQ in policing (To be honest, I am not sure how much use it will be to me if i ever left the police?). But I digress. The 2 years have flown by and I have become more and more confident in my actions and decisions. I have been assaulted at least 3 times, twice fairly seriously. However I still love the job, and often wish I joined ten years ago, but realise that I would not have been the same person 10 years ago, and it is futile to say "I wish..." (unless you are holding a shiny brass lamp with a genie inside it).

I still enjoy the call from the control room that says "Immediate response" as it means I can use the blue flashing lights and 'woo-woo' sirens :-)

However, I have begun to get to the stage where I hear a call on the radio for "any officer who can attend for a report of criminal damage" and I feel like holding back from responding, as I know that I will attend the scene of some poor individual who has woken up to find their car scratched, or their greenhouse window broken, and both the victim and myself know there is very little chance of finding the offender.

But to make a claim on insurance, the police must be informed, and when the police attend, the offence must be 'crimed'. This means issuing the victim with a crime reference number, and then seeing if there is any forensic opportunities. If there are forensic opportunities, that is brilliant and my heart lifts and there is hope. However, most of the time there is not, and after searching for elusive clues, I return to the station and 'record the crime'. I phone our crime recording bureau and relay the details of the crime and the victims details. Once this is done, I need to populate the fields of the crime report with the information that I know to date and also with details of what enquiries are yet to be completed. This crime complaint is viewed by my sergeant, an inspector and the 'monitoring unit'. The Monitoring Unit are like the police of the police. They check that I have ticked all the boxes, that I have handed out the relevant literature and that I update the victim at regular intervals. They also suggest areas that may still need to be investigated in case I have not mentioned them in my dialogue. This means that my dialogue must have every avenue explored and explained - otherwise I get some comment that says something like "Have you considered the use of the dog section" or "Has the victim advice leaflet been handed out?" All of these are relevant and I guess necessary, and without such checks, it would be all too easy to get crimes buried under the carpet and never investigated properly.

I guess I just get frustrated about how long I have to spend updating crimes with meaningless words just so they are 'compliant'. The victim already knows that there is little to no hope of solving the crime, and I think if the victim realised how much work each little crime entailed for the police, then many crime would never be reported in the 1st place.
But that is the problem - I want people to report the crimes, I want to be able to solve the crimes, I want to be able to find the bad people or careless people who have caused others to suffer financial loss, become afraid or paranoid. I just feel that the present system is so top heavy and in reality, so long as you are quick at typing and can make up the bull s**t then you can create and complete crime complaint forms quite easily.

The real problem comes when you really can't do any more investigation on the crime, and you respectfully request the powers that be that the crime be submitted as 'Undetected'. This is where it hurts. All officers want as many 'detecteds' (or - D's) as possible. And so we come back to the original call on the radio - a call to suspected criminal damage - and immediately the thought process starts - "is this another undetected just awaiting my arrival?"

OK - don't worry, I still answer the radio and I still try my best to solve every crime I am called to. In fact I am really hopeful that a recent case of criminal damage I attended may be detected...

I was called to a greenhouse that had been damaged. One pane broken. Elderly person had gone out in the morning and found the side pane of the greenhouse broken. Another hopeless crime?

Well, obviously the others thought so, as the initial response on the radio was... silence. The call came through again, and although I was busy, I stated that I would attend the address upon becoming available.

When I arrived at the address I was met by a lovely elderly couple. They took me to their back garden and showed me the damage. It was then that I spotted the beer bottle. And then another beer bottle. I donned my latex gloves and placed the bottles into my property bags. I looked out towards the back of their garden and saw some terraced houses that back onto their property. Knowing the area quite well, I spotted one particular property that I have been to on a number of occasions - Noise problems, drunken male problems, fighting etc. By my reckoning, someone from that property has been drinking and then once the contents have been consumed, the owner has decided to get rid of the empty bottle by throwing it away - over the hedge into the neighbours garden - not caring where it lands or what damage it may cause.

So hopefully the bottle will have the fingerprints or DNA of someone who is already known to the police (don't you just love the DNA and fingerprint database?). Yeah, there is a lot of ifs, maybes and possiblies. However, I want to do the best I can to see if I can find out who caused the damage - which irresponsible fool has been brainless enough to throw an empty bottle flying that could have injured or even killed another human being had the circumstances been different (what if there had been someone in the greenhouse at the time, what if the bottle had hit a child in another garden, what if...)

And so it is that I now await the results of the forensic tests - which could be a number of weeks. But I was glad it was me that attended the old couples house. They are the people I work for, they are the 'victims' they are the people that need to see the police working for them!

And so it was that same day I took a walk up to the property where I thought the bottle had been thrown from. I talked to my main suspect and I asked him if he or any of his friends may have thrown the bottles. He obviously denied it and pretended to know nothing. It is so difficult to see with some people if they really know nothing or if they just don't have a brain cell between their two ears. I think with my suspect it is both. He was most likely so drunk he didn't know he had done it. He has so many parties at his house that it could have been any number of people.
So all I can do at the moment is try to put some fear into him. Hopefully get him telling his friends that the police are doing DNA tests. All of his friends are known to the police and hopefully one of them will feel really bad for a while - not through remorse I realise that these people don't suffer from guilt trips. No, my hope is that they are afraid that they may get 'fingered' by the police and that even if the evidence is not enough to go to court, it will be enough to approach the council, and it will be one more piece of evidence that can be presented to the council to build a case against the tenant. One more nail in his tenancy coffin. One more complaint that will mean he is eventually evicted. Yes, I will talk to the local housing officer, yes I do know the officer by name and I have talked to him about this individual before, and yes, the council will take action once they have enough evidence or complaints.

So because I took that call and decided to pursue the 'no-hoper' case properly, maybe the offender will face their just deserts - maybe not this time around, but by me doing my job properly, he may be evicted sooner rather than never. That is all I can hope for at the moment.

Slowly, Slowly, catchy monkey.

It’s all good...

2008-12-17T21:08:00.006Z

Well, as I have just realised, the end of the year is closing in fast, and as I look forwards to my first Christmas ‘on the beat’, I thought that I would look back on the year that has just passed.

Avid readers will remember that I finished my 9 months of training at Police HQ in the early part of 2008 and I attained the status of Student Officer fit for independent patrol some 10 weeks after that.
A driving course followed from that, which was the most fun I can remember having for many a year – being able to break the speed limits and get my picture taken by speed camera vans, and not have to worry.

The rest of the year has been a time of learning to police in ‘the real world’. I have been pleasantly surprised at how ‘un-phased’ I have been by most situations and have really enjoyed being out on Friday and Saturday nights – talking with the happy drunks and grappling with the angry drunks. I have grown to realise that much of Policing is how you present yourself and much of it is just listening and trying to help.

I have been assaulted three times in the last year, by a drunk, a prisoner trying to escape and also whilst out in the wilds when I needed to arrest an ex special forces soldier. Despite my run-ins and injuries sustained, I have never thought I have made the wrong decision. I have been really grateful for a strong supportive family, a wife who is tremendous (thanks, Mrs Bill) and also for the support and camaraderie from my fellow officers. I can truly say that I have felt ‘part of the family’.

What do I enjoy the most?
It’s got to be the call over the radio “Any unit available that can attend an immediate?” This is the call that could be a road traffic collision (RTC), an ongoing fight outside a pub, a domestic ongoing, or any number of other events. The hairs go up o the back of your neck, you look at your colleague and reply to the call with “India Oscar 21 – available – what is it?”. You are then relayed the facts of the incident, the address to get to and any background info that the operations room have been able to glean in the seconds that they have been receiving the 999 call.

What do I enjoy the least?
I guess it has to be the paperwork. I sometimes hear a call on the radio and whilst responding, I am thinking – how much paperwork is this one little incident going to bring about?

If it is not the paperwork, I think it is the genuine loathing that I have for those people that bring misery to normal people. I am talking about the habitual criminal that doesn’t care about the fruit of their actions. This is the sort of person who is constantly being brought into the police station and each time let go by the court. Yes, I understand people have bad childhoods, I understand people need a second chance. But I also think that joe public deserve to have a decent life and be able to leave their car outside their house without some complete moron scratching it “because it’s not fair that I don’t have one”.

Have I changed?
I was asked by a colleague whether my family had noticed a change in me over the last year and a half. Results were varied, but included:
Happier
More outgoing
Closer circle of friends
Language has deteriorated – a bit more course/vulgar
Don’t use the computer as much

What do I think has changed:
I feel more alive
I go to work looking forward to the day (or night)
I don’t know what to expect – ‘anything could happen in the next 8-10 hours’
I am knackered at the end of a shift
I love the days off
I hate the ironing of countless white shirts
I am more confident in myself
I feel older

Yes, I feel older – but I am not sure if this is the fault of the job, or maybe a gradual realisation that I am not as young as I used to be.

Anyway, enough of the self pity, just because I feel older (and look older) doesn’t mean to say that I have to act any older. I am getting down the gym, going out mountain biking and I would like to say that my beer and chocolate intake has decreased. I would like to say it, but unfortunately I can’t L

Yes, life is good, I am enjoying the job, I am enjoying life. I have seen a number of sudden deaths, some very old and some far too young. I have always thought that life is for living, but even more so now.

Hopefully I will blog again prior to Christmas, but if not – Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers. I hope you make the most of it!

It's been busy........

2008-11-17T18:40:00.002Z

What’s been happening?

Well, it’s a few months since my last blog and I can only apologise that I have been so tardy.
However, I have been finding that after completing 8 or 9 hour shifts where I am completing paperwork after paperwork, that I really don’t feel like sitting at the keyboard yet again when I get home.

SO what’s been happening?

Well, the easiest answer is lots!

I have started to find that the paperwork is becoming a bit easier – although I still find it overwhelmingly tiresome and repetitive. It seems like there are loads of things that are duplicated, that could be minimised with decent IT systems that would talk to each other. I have also started to think that the police are being used as typewriter monkeys for the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) and the courts, as so many MG (manual of guidance) forms need to be completed just so a well paid lawyer can look at the case and decide just how ‘good’ they feel about the case and what the chances are that the case can be proven in court.

I have also seen people who have received quite nasty assaults and I have stated in my notes that the assault amounts to ABH (Aggravated Bodily Harm) or GBH (Grevious Bodily Harm), but instead the CPS know that they will definitely get Common Assault proven, and so downgrade the charge.

This is one of the hardest parts, as I have to go and tell the victims that the trauma they have gone through is only going to be dealt with by a far lesser offence, and many times Common Assault can be dealt with by a fine and a suspended sentence, or maybe just a fine, or sometimes just a caution.

I understand that prisons are full and I understand that there are times when a bit of leniency can help to prevent turn a ‘one-time-offender’ into a ‘persistent-offender’, but the CPS aren’t really looking at it like that. In this modern day, they too have targets and cost restraints. They have to be ‘accountable’ for their actions. If they can get 16 common assaults through the books knowing that 100% of them will be positive for them, rather than 8 out of 16 ABH assaults that are positive, then they have a 200% better track record, and less cost per crime than they would have had.
This will mean that justice is ‘seen to be done’. The public will look at the massaged reports on the news that the ‘detection’ rate for crimes is very high, and the CPS will be able to say that they have a high success rate for all crimes that they pursue, and justify their pay rises etc.

I have just read back the last paragraphs, and realise that I am coming over as a cynic. This is not the point – I feel proud about the job I am doing and I feel strongly for the rights of those that have been brave enough to come forward to the police to make a complaint against others, knowing full well that they may receive further harassment and abuse due to their actions. I also feel annoyed that I may have to fill out 16 full files, just to have 8 of them go through – downgraded to a lesser charge, just so another department can ‘look good’. The public do realise that the police are on their side, they do understand that the CPS have their hands tied to a certain extent, but the plain truth of the matter is that the offenders also know that they can ‘get away ‘ with it – which sends out completely the wrong message.

Well, I’ve started to write again, I’ve had a rant. I’ll try and put a few stories in over the coming weeks of events that have happened to me that I have found interesting, moving or funny (or even all three)........

What a Shi**y Job…

2008-06-30T19:37:00.003+01:00

A report straight from Mr Bill

I was on duty at the big hospital in Llanffuglen, accompanied by my colleague PC PAVA Queen (so named as she has been spraying PAVA like it’s hairspray). We had been in attendance at the hospital since 0730 in the morning, keeping an eye on PLONKER. Earlier he had insisted he had swallowed a quantity of heroin and therefore could not stay in our lovely comfy cells at the police station, instead it was up to the tax payer to make funds available for PLONKER to stay in a high dependency unit, guarded by two police constables at all times.

And so it was that I was seated near the bed, and PC PAVA Queen was standing near the end of the bed. PLONKER was stood between both myself and PC PAVA Queen when without warning he threw the contents of a plastic cup of tea in my direction, which resulted in my face and front of my shirt being covered in tea. Almost simultaneously he threw the contents of a plastic cup of water over PC PAVA Queen and started to move towards her. I immediately rose to my feet and at the same time and as I did so, PLONKER was already next to PC PAVA Queen and was attempting to pass her. As he did so, PC PAVA Queen grabbed PLONKER by the upper chest area in an attempt to stop him. As PC PAVA Queen did this, I was immediately behind PLONKER. PLONKER then grabbed PC PAVA Queen’s radio with his right hand in what seemed like an attempt to take it from her. PC PAVA Queen pulled PLONKER’s hand away. I had now managed to get hold of PLONKER’s left hand, and followed this through with a knee strike to PLONKER’s left leg which had the desired effect of bringing him to the ground. As PLONKER descended to the floor, all three of us slipped, due to the amount of water and tea and slippery floor. I saw PC PAVA Queen fall backwards and as she did so, PLONKER looked as though he was reaching for her incapacitant spray. As he did this, PC PAVA QUEEN pulled PLONKER’s hand away from the canister and then held the canister and shouted “SPRAY” in a loud clear manner, allowing me to take evasive action prior to her deploying the incapacitant spray. As PC PAVA Queen released the spray, PLONKER immediately felt the effect and screamed out as the spray took effect. PLONKER was now face down and I managed to handcuff him in the back stack position. PLONKER continued to struggle with ourselves, but we managed to restrain him on the floor, and once he had calmed down to a stage where he would listen to instructions, PC PAVA Queen and myself lifted him to the seated position. However, PLONKER was continuing to shout and scream, causing surrounding patients and staff at the hospital distress.

Approximately one minute after placing PLONKER into the seated position, several colleagues arrived and helped to escort PLONKER out of the ward into the fresh air to help relieve the symptoms of the incapacitant spray. As soon as PLONKER was in a fit state to understand instructions, I told him that he was under arrest for assault on Police Officers. PLONKER then remained handcuffed for the rest of the day…

A bit later, PLONKER was moved to a private room and it was gratifying to see that he was still suffering irritation from the pepper spray that had been administered some hours earlier. Whilst in the room, PLONKER admitted to PC PAVA Queen and myself “I HAVEN’T GOT ANYTHING IN ME, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE” PC PAVA Queen then clarified with PLONKER what he meant by “ANYTHING” to which PLONKER replied “I DIDN’T SWALLOW ANY HEROIN IN CUSTODY, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE”.

PLONKER then apologised to myself and PC PAVA Queen stating the only reason he had thrown tea and water over us was due to his need to “GET SOME GEAR”.

PC PAVA Queen and myself remained in immediate proximity with PLONKER until he had evacuated his bowels with the aid of a very strong hospital laxative. The attending nurse examined the stools and waste matter and confirmed there were no illegal substances present. After this PLONKER was allowed a shot of methadone to calm the cravings he was starting to have for heroin.

All of the above took up the whole shift, and so it was at the end of the shift that we returned with PLONKER to the police station and then to the comfy cells of custody and it is there where he will stay until the court has decided what to do with him. Oh yes, and apparently the hospital laxative will continue to work on PLONKER for at least the next 12 hours – what a shame :-)

Violence on the Streets of Llanffuglen

2008-06-22T16:19:00.005+01:00

Friday and Saturday nights are now well known by all to be times when the good citizens of the UK go out and get merry, then get even merrier and then start to get extremely merry, and then finally get violent.

Friday and Saturday nights are now well known by all to be times when the good citizens of the UK go out and get merry, then get even merrier and then start to get extremely merry, and then finally get violent.

Well it seems that Llanffuglen is no different from the rest of the UK, and despite its picturesque outlook and rolling green pastures, Llanffuglen attracts all sorts to its town centre at the weekend. The majority of these revellers are no problem at all to the police, and in fact it is rather funny to sit inside a patrol car at various stages of the evening and gradually see people getting drunker and drunker, until by 0200hrs, the lady who was immaculately turned out at 2000hrs the night before, can now no longer remember how to walk properly and has great pleasure in trying to hail a police car in the mistaken thought that it is a taxi (I guess it is our own fault as we have those silly signs on the top of the car that look very similar).

It is also incredible how much alcohol smells on the breath. This is extremely noticeable as revellers place their head by the open drivers window of the police car and speak utter nonsense to the police officer inside. Being someone who appreciates a drink myself, it has been interesting to be completely sober and witness the events of the evening unfold, especially how violent people seem to become. Females have arguments over the silliest things, and the use of the stiletto heels that they have so painfully been enduring on their feet make marvellous weapons when used in their hands!

But blokes are the worst - official. They constantly go around in good humoured groups, pushing and shoving each other in boyish ways, and then later into the evening, the pushing becomes more forceful, but due to the lubricating effects of alcohol, it is all accepted within the group - even when the pushing becomes very forceful and then progresses to feats of strength where one of the group tries lifting the other up - often with the obvious result of both individuals falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. Yes, this is all good fun for blokes and to be honest, it is funny to look at when sitting inside a police car, listening out to the police radio in case a domestic or road traffic accident demands our attention.

However, it is once the happy and funny stunts have finished that life really gets interesting - this is normally anywhere from 2300hrs onwards and goes on until maybe 0400 or 0500hrs. This is the time that the alcohol and also the drugs have really allowed the brains of those that like to take things to excess the chance to really say and do what they really really want.

This may be as harmless as bearing their backsides to passing pedestrians and motorists, or maybe trying to 'tightrope walk' along the bridge wall that separates them from being dry and alive, to possibly being wet and dead. But possibly the worst effect is that of stimulating the human being to think that they are super-human and can take on the world - whether the world wants them to or not.

So as last night was Saturday night and Mr. Bill being on an evening shift, he and his colleagues donned their protective stab vests and all weather gear (it was a horrible rainy night at times) and patrolled the merry streets of Llanffuglen, helping to protect the community therein.

There were the usual calls in the early evening - a shoplifter at the supermarket, youths causing problems kicking cans and bins. Neighbours needing the police to talk to the other neighbour, and then calling the police back ten minutes later because "Next door has started doing it again!". Yes, this is the warm-up time when patrol cars are dispatched to sort out all the silly problems that can't normally be rectified for a permanent resolution, merely sticking plasters that will help stop the wound from hurting for a while longer.

But last night seemed to go very quickly and it was soon 0300 hours. Mr Bill was sitting near a local night club, wondering how the girls didn't catch a cold as they were wearing so little, and also wondering just how far we are ahead of the apes in our evolutionary progress as he saw groups of males trying to climb lampposts, bearing their chests to each other and generally staggering home on autopilot.

However, he was approached by a female stating that there was a male nearby who had assaulted her last month and that the police were looking for him. After checking with the operations room that the female was telling the truth and that the police were looking for this male (I really could not call him a man or a gentleman after knowing what he has done), Mr. Bill approached the male to inform him that he was arresting him for the assault on the female last month and that the male should come along with Mr. Bill quietly and immediately. The male seemed to take offence at the sight of Mr. Bill (maybe it's the tie I was wearing or it could have been the cologne), and so the male made it quite clear to Mr. Bill in words that would offend most decent-minded folks that the male did not want to accompany Mr. Bill, and that Mr. Bill was free to go and do several things, none of which could be printed on this page.

And so it was that Mr. Bill laid his hand on the male and told him that he was under arrest. Fortunately Mr. Bill’s colleagues had also turned up and another police officer held the male’s other hand. Cutting a long story short, the male was very uncooperative and showed this by placing his head very hard and very forcibly into Mr. Bill's head, causing quite a bit of pain to Mr. Bill. (in civvie parlance: he headbutted him, Mrs Bill)

This really was a very silly thing to do, as the male now had added to his list of crimes 'Police Assault'. The male was swiftly brought to the ground as Mr. Bill lifted the male’s leg forwards and Mr. Bill’s colleagues assisted gravity to bring the male to the ground where he was then restrained by the use of handcuffs.

However, this was not before PAVA (pepper) spray had been deployed by a colleague of Mr. Bill. As PAVA is not particularly discriminate in focusing its attention only on naughty people, several police including Mr. Bill also found out what it is like to be sprayed with PAVA.

I can state for the record that it is not a pleasant experience, but at least the next time a low-life asks me "Have you ever tried that stuff out on yourself?", I can honestly say "Yes".

After the incident, the male was taken to police custody, and upon searching the male, a small quantity of white powder was found in his jeans - allowing yet another charge to be levelled at the male - "Illegal possession of a controlled substance".

The male did not seem to find it nearly as funny as Mr. Bill as the cell door slammed shut. Just to make sure the male was ok, Mr. Bill did open the flap of the door and ask the male if there was anything else he could do for him. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, the male uttered words that yet again cannot be published on a website where decent folk may be browsing.

Mr. Bill closed the flap shut and then went to A&E to get his head and hand looked at.

All was ok with Mr. Bill’s head, it would seem that although the collision of the male’s head against Mr. Bill's was heard by all at the scene, with several people wincing at the sound, Mr. Bill will live to 'fight', or maybe that should be 'serve' another day.

(Mr Bill’s head has a small bump – but no bruising apparent at present. He does have a cut on his finger and some minor scrapes to his arm. His eyes continued to sting for some time and still appear a little red. (Mrs Bill))

Feel the Force

2008-06-21T22:58:00.011+01:00

Well apologies from Mrs Bill for whom the study of Shakespeare and assorted poets has been very time-consuming of recent weeks. ‘Poet’ is quite an elastic term to describe some of the literary outpourings to which Mrs Bill has subjected the reluctant ears of the little Bills to on the way to school of a morning.

Fortunately Mr Bill has not allowed any of this to deter him from his mission of removing the miscreants who endeavour to make the lives of ordinary law-abiding people less pleasant and often considerably more dangerous. Several of them have ‘Felt The Force’ of Mr Bill’s wrath in recent weeks and at least one is having a sojourn at her Majesty’s pleasure until such time as he appears before a Court. Mr Bill has been very busy making up a ‘full file’ in the meantime. While the rest of us ordinary mortals thought that the police arrested the criminals and it was the job of the lawyers to make the case it turns out that these highly skilled individuals are paid far too much money to worry about trivial things like compiling a case from evidence supplied by the police. The Bill clan are watching with interest to see at what stage the legal eagles actually do some work.

Mr Bill has been making extensive use of the driving skills he learned on his course and has managed to shave several minutes off previous best times for some journeys. He needs to make sure he retains all the skills as he is hoping to attend the advanced driving course at some point in the future. Just don’t ask him how long it takes to drive anywhere as it is so much quicker when you are in a police car with blue lights and siren going!

Mr Bill has been so good as to supply me with a selection of photos of aspects of his work to be included as illustration in the blog. To begin here is a picture of his current mentor.
(He does not usually look so rough, but this was taken after a particularly hard shift)

Watch Out…

2008-05-18T20:09:00.004+01:00

Well, three weeks of driving later and Mr. Bill had his driving assessment. He passed with flying colours and attained a good enough grade to allow him to apply for an advanced driving course at a later stage.

This means that if he decides to go into the traffic division he now has the first building block in place.

The next stage is to get out on the streets and start catching the bad guys.

He has been told that the best way to get the top brass to notice you, is to get lots of tickets in.. This means stopping dodgy looking vehicles and drivers and asking them to present their driving documentation, such as driving licence, MOT and Insurance.

The fact is that it is a legal requirement that all motorists produce this documentation
whenever requested by a Police Officer in uniform. Failure to produce said documentation is an offence and you can be summonsed for it.

However, if you do not have this documentation about your person, the nice police officer can give you a Home Office Road Traffic slip 01 – or HORTI. This is also known as ‘a producer’. This slip is then taken to a police station along with the relevant documentation and checked by the nice police officer behind the desk and if all documentation is correct, you can be on your way.

If you don’t produce your documents within 7 days, you get a nice letter from the police inviting you to attend court ☺

Mr. Bill is looking forward to stopping all those silly people who don’t wear seatbelts, or continue to use phones whilst driving and also put a few nice tickets on the windscreens of the twits who park in dangerous places.

He is also hoping that by reading the latest intelligence logs at the station, he will be able to recognise the naughty people operating within his area – especially whilst they are driving to/from their crimes. Many of these people don’t have insurance or tax anyway, and so it will be even better to stop them for the crime and then do them for driving illegally as well – double whammy!

2 weeks down, 1 to go...

2008-05-10T14:23:00.005+01:00

The first two weeks of the traffic course have flown by, and on Friday it was assessment day. This meant having an instructor sit next to the drivers and judge them on their progress over the last two weeks. If the drivers pass, they are allowed to go on to the third week, which is the response part of the course - or driving under blue lights and sirens. Thankfully all passed the assessment and so next week, the first job of the day will be to stick all the police decals on the plain saloon cars that the students have been driving and then attach a magnetic blue flashing light to the top of the car. It will be interesting to see how differently people drive when they realise it is a police car behind them, compared to the last two weeks, where the cars have been 'unmarked'. The students have been told to expect the unexpected - some people don't realise that there is a police car behind them (even with the blue flashing lights, flashing headlights and wailing siren on), others suddenly realise that there is a police car trying to get past and become suicidal in their efforts to stop. Others try to be helpful and in the process of 'pulling over' create a blockage on the road in front of the police car. There is also the ‘effect’ on pedestrians, apparently many become like lemmings and try to cross the road before the speeding police car reaches them – often with much frustration being bestowed on the police driver as he slows to a snails pace to allow the said pedestrian to finish his ever-so-important journey across the road. Another effect of adding blue lights and siren, is that the students apparently get excited and forget all of the road training they have had over the last two weeks, and need to be brought back to earth by the instructors. Mr. Bill is really looking forward to next week and hopes that he can obtain a really good grade so it lines him up for a placement in the traffic division in the coming year.

I think it would be nice to spare a thought for the instructors as it must be one of the most scary jobs going – sitting in the passenger seat of a police car whilst the student police officer tries out his new found abilities for the first time.

Watch out Llanffuglen and surrounding counties – the boys in blue are coming!!

Independence and driving;

2008-05-08T19:23:00.005+01:00

Well, it happened – after 8 weeks of tutorship, Mr. Bill has been declared ‘fit for independent patrol’. However, before he is allowed to hit the mean streets of Llanffuglen, on his own, there is one more training task he must complete… driving.
This has been the part of training that Mr. Bill has most looked forward to. Three weeks of driving around, being told by expert police drivers how to make his driving better.
At the end of the three weeks, the drivers will be told if they have made the grade to be allowed to drive in a ‘response’ situation – or to you and me – with the blue lights on and the siren wailing.
They will also be given a grade to show just how good a driver they are and whether the instructors think that the officers have what it takes to eventually be allowed to become traffic cops (if they choose to do this line of police work) – but they aren’t allowed to apply for that position until they have done at least 2 years ‘on-the-beat’.
For Mr. Bill this has meant going back to basics and remembering how to drive a car using two hands on the steering wheel at the ’10 to 2’ position and making sure that no elbows rest on the armrest and when turning into streets, the push-pull technique is used, rather than just letting the steering wheel find its own way back to the 12 o’clock position.
But it’s not all bad, in fact it has been great. Learning to drive the ‘police way’ is incredibly tiring, and yet at the same time great fun.
The first part is to learn a set dialogue that must be said at the start of every journey which allows the driver to demonstrate that he has done all the pre-checks on the car and that he is aware of all the controls and that the driver knows that the passengers are all strapped in safely.
Once moving, the instructor, who is sitting in the front passenger seat, keeps a watchful eye on the driver at all times. Telling the driver how to position themselves for every situation they find themselves on the road.
Once the instructor is happy that the driver understands the police driving system – the speeds are allowed to increase. This is the fun part.
Realising that Llanffuglen Police Force has many miles of long stretches of open country roads, and those that know of Mr. Bill’s enjoyment of driving – it comes as no surprise that after a few days of training, Mr. Bill has been getting to grips – or should I say that he has been testing the grip of the car and realizing its full cornering (and braking) potential.
The cars are standard family saloon type cars with no police markings – with a couple of modifications – namely hidden at the front and back of the car are the essential pieces of equipment that make these cars stand out from the crowd – yes, that’s right – the flashing blue lights and siren.
Mr. Bill has not been trained in using these pieces of equipment yet – that doesn’t happen until the third week of the course. However, the instructors are allowed to use them, and if whilst travelling at 85mph on a dual carriageway an unsuspecting boy racer decides to come up nice and close to the rear bumper of one of the training cars – it is a delight to see just how quickly the boy racer backs off once the little blue lights are flashed a couple of times – more than likely necessitating a change of underwear for the boy racer at the next services.
The cars have three student police officers and one instructor in them and all students take it in turns to drive for about an hour and then swap over – but not before they receive feedback from each other and the instructor. It may be that the officer has braked a little too hard, or accelerated a bit too quickly from the lights, or it could just be that the student has ‘missed an overtaking opportunity’ – yes as they learn to drive faster safely they are now being told to look for opportunities to overtake – and by the end of the second week they will be marked down if they do not take an overtaking opportunity that presented itself.
So it is now into the start of the second week – Mr. Bill wishes that the weeks were longer as he can’t remember enjoying himself so much at work for ages. He will be spending some time at the skid pan this week and then maybe some night time driving as well. But I am sure that whatever this week holds in store, Mr. Bill will be up for the challenge.

(Mrs Bill has been rather busy recently so this post was ghost written - thanks Mr Bill)

Nicknames

2008-04-25T17:12:00.004+01:00

Whilst Mr Bill is very much accepted as part of the code he has yet to be bestowed with a nickname – there have been various suggestions made but, like “Shoulders” none have stuck. ‘Shoulders’, short for Teflon Shoulders as nothing (bad) sticks to him, is the nickname of one of Mr Bill’s colleagues. It seems every organisation has someone like this!

Mr Bill’s tutor believes very firmly in the student police officer seeing and doing as much as possible while on the 8-weeks and so the paperwork for the ordinary police work builds up. Mr Bill is now quite practised at several of the forms to be filled in. He has been complemented on his thoroughness by a couple of the others in the team. They continue to be amazed at his computer skills – it is scary really how little some of our Boys in Blue know of computers. It was a revelation to some that ‘Control C’ and then ‘Control V’ can be used to transfer text – the mouse cut and paste is disabled on most Police software – until now they have been typing in the text again – talk about wasting Police time.

Mr Bill has completed quite a few of his box-ticking exercises – some as a result of really worthwhile activity; he administered first aid to an elderly gentleman who fell as he was getting off a bus. An ambulance had to come some distance and so Mr Bill was ‘in charge’ for about 15 minutes.

Update

2008-04-05T16:45:00.009+01:00

Mr Bill is well into his 8-week stint; he has been busy the last couple of weeks working a varied shift pattern of nights; evenings til 2am or 3am; and assorted days; with a few days off here and there. These have not really been days off as he is trying to get all his paperwork assembled so that he is ready to go on independent patrol in a few weeks. The paperwork is laborious and not straightforward; try and include too many skills and they are disallowed - it does not matter that you did use the skills you are trying to claim). Thus it will take the destruction of yet more trees before those in authority will be satisfied.

Mr Bill has been having some more experience of interviewing; he had his first ‘no comment’ interview where the young man, viewed on CCTV assaulting someone, was advised by his solicitor to offer, “No comment” to all 100 questions asked. That statement will be a lot of cut and paste, paste paste.

Mr Bill has so far avoided a cakeable offence; unlike one PC who dropped the Squad Car keys while performing a house search – only to find the person whose house they were searching had picked up the keys - he had been enjoying the discomfiture of the officers present. The mortification was complete once the story was spread to the rest of the code and beyond........

Streaker, Stalker, Paperwork, Thief…

2008-03-16T08:50:00.018Z

Well, actually paperwork should occur several more times in that list – after every recordable event.

The naked man, if truth be told, was more of a wanderer – he was spotted in Llanffuglen and when PC Sporty and his colleague picked him up he appeared to have been beaten and burned. After several hours of waiting in hospital while he was treated, Mr Streaker said it was nothing more than he deserved and he didn't want to press charges!

While Mr Bill’s colleagues were waiting for the man to tell them how he came to be wandering naked in town, covered in injuries, Mr Bill was interviewing the victim of stalking. This is not the person from the previous post – we have not heard any more about that at present; this is a new incident. The victim has told a harrowing tale of how the Stalker is ruining a whole family’s life. Mr Bill, wanting to take a full account of what has happened spent four hours taking the victim’s statement.

The Paperwork means Mr Bill is single-handedly responsible for the complete deforestation of an area the size of Wales (well, if not quite that big, at least a couple of trees).

Imagine, if you will, taking your pre-teen daughter on a trip to the local Megastore, your daughter expresses an interest in looking around on her own and you agree to meet up by the exit in about half an hour. Then, after paying for your groceries you are packing them into bags, you hear an announcement asking you to come urgently to the front desk – you immediately drop everything, so worried are you, and rush there where, your worst fears are not realised; your daughter has not had an accident or been abducted, no, she has been arrested for shoplifting and the police are on their way.

The Mother was, as we say in Llanffuglen, “tidy”. That means she was a decent individual who is probably doing a good job of bringing up her children. So on finding her daughter had attempted to steal two small items was mortified. The child quickly became distressed at realising the implications of what she had done and started to cry.

Mr Bill found this one of his most challenging incidents so far. He has seen some unpleasant things and smelled some unpleasant smells but this challenged him in a way he found more difficult to deal with.
The outcome is that the child has been banned from Megastore for 6 months, which is probably unnecessary as I think the mother will probably never darken their door again in case someone recognises her. It was never satisfactorily established why the girl stole the items – but Mr Bill hopes she has learned her lesson.

Don't You Want Me?

2008-03-09T17:15:00.020Z

The ex-partner of one woman is having a difficult time understanding: No, she does not want him - she no longer wants to live with a tyrannical, overbearing, control freak and has set up home in another area of Llanffuglen with a considerate, agreeable, hard-working man. Ex-partner tried to split them up by making life as difficult as possible for them:

xxxx Vandalism: paint stripper on the car
xxxx Harassment: phone calls

Then he started interfering in their lives in a fanatical way so much so that a Judge granted the couple an injunction against ex-partner to prevent him coming anywhere near them. This has been effective until now; ex-partner has succeeded in poisoning the mind of their son against the mother so effectively, that fired up, probably with a quantity of booze, and accompanied by several beefy mates he went round and beat the new partner very badly. If it was not for the intervention of neighbours who saw what happened, then the yobs would probably be looking at a murder charge rather than ABH or assault – no charge has yet made yet.

Mr Bill was asked to visit the victim and take a statement and photos showing the extent of the beating. It was probably handy they asked Mr Bill as no one else seemed to know how to operate a digital camera not incorporated into a mobile phone, transfer the photos to a computer and then email them to the another Police station - rather than faxing (???) as they usually do.
Mr Bill hopes his thorough and it has to be said copious statement might help gain a conviction for this dreadful assault. Maybe if the ex has no one else stupid enough to go and do his dirty work then this couple stand some chance of making a life together.

The rest of the shift was mainly confirmation to Mr Bill of just how idiotic our licensing laws now are. Cheap alcohol available any time - have we learned nothing from history?

A ‘Cakeable” Offence

2008-03-08T20:25:00.009Z

The most recent one of these was committed by a PC on Mr Bill’s code who inadvertently put petrol in a Diesel car – oops! So a large chocolate cake should be appearing at a Police station near us soon.

Mr Bill has had a relatively quiet time – even last night (Friday) when Llanffuglen Police expect the locals to be letting their hair down, consuming too much drugs and alcohol and picking fights.
Mr Bill did have a big responsibility as he was 'officer in charge' for the execution of a warrant last night. They took the big red door key with them in case the occupants were unwilling to open the door for them – this was not needed as the door was open. Some time was spent watching the sniffer dog indicating that, although there were no drugs to be found, there had been some there previously. This warrant execution and all the associated paperwork allows Mr Bill to tick lots of boxes on his way to becoming a fully-accredited PC and trusted to go on independent patrol.

Mr Bill is on a late again tonight and as it is raining it will be only the determined baddies who will be up to no good; thefts of Diesel are becoming more of a problem locally so Mr Bill will be driving round with PC Tutor in the Noddy van.

A Hard Day's Night

2008-03-06T19:57:00.019Z

Well Mr Bill made it through his first two nights - he is off again for his last night shift in a few hours.
Not a lot has happened in Llanffuglen - the criminals were all tucked up in bed.

Actually Mr Bill claims they took one look at him in his full Police kit, turned tail and headed back to England.

Time passed slowly so PC Tutor took Mr Bill on a tour of all the useful night-time watering holes. A well known supermarket was honoured with a visit from Mr Bill and his colleagues - here they all tucked into a midnight feast.

First Night Nerves

2008-03-02T15:56:00.008Z

Mr Bill is starting his eight-week stint of accompanied patrols this Tuesday night. So just as you are getting snuggled up in your duvet, Mr Bill will be starting his night's work. He is a little apprehensive about starting 'proper' police duties - although he will have a tutor to assist and advise him. He is going to be very busy as, in addition to general police work, he will have more boxes to tick showing he has experienced all the different scenarios required before he can be let out on his own.

Over the next few weeks stories of real happenings will probably appear on here, with some attempt at disguising names and places. I am not sure that those in charge would approve of this reporting, so can I request, please, no mentioning of any identifying remarks by those of you who know the real Bill family if you leave comments. I am afraid this means previous giveaway comments (even the really funny ones) have been deleted and all new comments will be moderated before they go on the blog.

Passing Out Parade

2008-02-22T21:25:00.008Z

Well today it was the 'Passing Out Parade'. Mr Bill and his colleagues were made to stand still for so long that I did begin to wonder if they were waiting for them to literally pass out. During the long and it has to be said boring speeches Miss Bill and I avoided eye contact with Mr Bill, especially at certain moments in the speeches as I was aware a fit of the giggles would not go down well. However, PC Smirky lived up to his nickname as he observed his younger son almost exploding with the effort of stifling his giggles - his mother telling him to stop laughing or his Dad would get into loads of trouble did not seem to have any effect.

Mr Bill and his colleagues looked very smart.

Finally the speeches were over and the prize for the most improved recruit was awarded. Fortunately the recruits did not all throw their hats in the air at the end of the speeches - those helmets would cause a nasty injury if they landed on you!

There was a meal in the evening where Mr Bill, as the class liaison representative, was required to make a speech. In true Bill-family form Mr Bill took the opportunity to remind everyone of all the humorous incidents that had occurred and had everyone in stitches and/or with red faces!

Mr Bill is more than a little disappointed that he has as yet has not had an opportunity to go in the helicopter. But he is hoping he will be able to get to have a flight sometime.

Well after all the excitement Mr Bill has a week off to ready himself for his eight week stint on shifts, starting with nights in just over a week.

Hurrah!

2008-02-18T17:39:00.007Z

Yes Mr Bill passed (and so did all the other recruits) - they have all gone out to celebrate....

I Hate Mondays....

2008-02-17T11:54:00.008Z

Well not generally - just tomorrow as it is the BIG ONE. Yes the final 3-hour, 120 question exam.

All the very best for tomorrow, Mr Bill!

The Real Deal

2008-02-15T20:14:00.020Z

Today Mr Bill was on a real raid. None of that role model stuff they have had so much of over the last few months.
They were out looking for drugs.
Perhaps not quite as 'tooled up' as the Met on their recent searches of properties.

The Llanffuglen crew had the big red door key,

sniffer dogs and lots of bodies to assist in the searches.

Mr Bill did very well and, although he did not find £6million worth of drugs, he did find drug paraphernalia and small quantities of illegal substances.
He thoroughly enjoyed himself today and is now quite worn out and has gone to bed. (He did leave the house at 4am this morning!)

Entirely by coincidence the police have approached Mrs Bill to see if they can 'borrow' some empty Llanffulgen Council properties for a few hours to use as training for their drugs dogs and handlers. I did mention that they might not need to bring their own drug samples to hide in some of our properties. There is one particular estate where the dogs would probably alert the handlers to the presence of illegal drugs immediately on exiting the dog van.

If It Ain’t Raining, It Ain’t Training…

2008-02-14T20:01:00.004Z

.....or so says Sergeant Shiny Shoes.
So I guess as the sun was beating down from the clear blue sky it was not training in his mind.

The recruits were on an exercise for the day. They were split into two teams and given the task of finding a misper – that is a missing person for those of you who do not watch TV. They were shown how to section up their area and search it thoroughly. However not everything went according to plan – a passing dog, or a naughty school child on half term holiday, had found the trainer the unfortunate misper had lost and deposited it into thick bramble undergrowth. Mr Bill is more than a little unhappy that his shoe shine has been ruined by intimate contact with dead brambles. He also sustained scratches to his hands.
They eventually found their misper (a dummy) and had to carry it back on a stretcher.
Mr Bill was commended on his foresight on stocking up on food when it was presented to them – those pockets come in pretty handy. The Serg had also thoughtfully provided hot sausage rolls and pasties. One recruit put his under his police helmet.
Mr Bill said it was a good day and took his mind off the forthcoming end exam next week.
He estimates he walked about 10 miles today and his legs are aching. Needless to say we are not out on a romantic evening celebrating Valentines.

Varied Visits

2008-01-27T18:05:00.000Z

Mr Bill has been out and about this last week – no posts as Mrs Bill has been sidetracked by Romantic period literature (Byron’s Don Juan and Hemans’ ‘Indian Woman’s Death Song’ in case you are interested – I wasn’t which is why its taken me so long).

Mr Bill has been spending time learning about interviewing. He has had to conduct mock interviews with colleagues who are victims or baddies. He also went to County Court for a day too.
The day in Court was especially useful as it was a ‘this is how you shouldn’t do it’ lesson. PC Forgetful was the witness called; there was a delay as he was unaware the case was today – he claimed he had received notification he was not needed – slapped wrists if he cannot later produce said notification.Mr Bill had the opportunity to see the case go from start to finish; he said it was fascinating to hear the evidence from both sides and hear the cross examinations of all the different witnesses. Mr Bill had a talk with the prosecutor during the lunch break who said that in all his years as a prosecutor he had never seen such a shambles as PC Forgetful.
The lesson is: write down lots of detail, make a proper note of when you are in court and have your pocket notebook with you.

We have had another murder here in rural Llanffuglen and Mr Bill did wonder if he and his probationer colleagues would be called out on standing in the rain duty – but fortunately for him the murderer was apprehended immediately.
This week is another of varying day trips to schools, addiction help centres and a Women’s refuge.

Well Done Mr Bill!

2008-01-19T09:10:00.000Z

Mr Bill passed his hour-long exam on Thursday and his 'Officer Safety Training' test on Friday. His wrists are sore from his colleagues practising their handcuffing and restraining manoeuvres on him.

Next week Mr Bill is to visit a mosque as part of his diversity training – obviously not that diverse as he is not also visiting a synagogue or Roman Catholic church or any of the tree-hugger places of worship so commonly found around Llanffuglen.

He is then visiting a day care centre to see if he can get alongside the elderly and try and encourage them to be model citizens and prevent some of their anti-social behaviour. You can tell we are not quite sure of the point of this visit. Mr Bill is expecting to hand out cups of tea, eat all the biscuits and play bingo.

He has a day at the Magistrates court to see a case tried; he is hoping there is an interesting case that day.

It should be an interesting week

Drowning in a Sea of Paperwork

2008-01-13T09:57:00.000Z

Mr Bill has been learning about all the necessary paperwork for efficient policing this week. They have had to compile a file for a case to go to court. The trainers set up a mock incident - didn't go quite as they planned, and the probationers had to record everything that happened: statements, arrest statements and about 15 forms. The end result was a file about 2cm thick for an incident that lasted for about 2 minutes and was minor in the grand scheme of things. It is quite mind boggling to imagine how thick a file must be for a serious case.
The role play consisted of two police officers in a Police Station when, Rupert, one of the trainers entered the station and immediately started being belligerent, then two other probationers entered with their ‘prisoner’, Neville (the other trainer) who was the ‘father’ of Rupert. The incident escalated until Rupert had to be arrested. The trainers thought this would be an opportunity to see some ‘action’ and Rupert was planning to give a ‘true flavour of an arrest’ by being realistic in his use of aggression, however Rupert's plan was scuppered when, after poking the wpc who was behind the desk, Mr Bill grabbed the unruly Rupert's hand twisted it sharply behind his back and lowered him to the floor before he could react, Mr Bill then snapped on the cuffs and that was the end of the action! Rupert had miscalculated how fast an individual of Mr Bill's advanced age could move and just how strong he is too! Ooh! Those cuffs do hurt.
When all the action was over it was time to get on with the paperwork and there was a lot of it….
Each individual involved was required to write a statement, the arresting officer had to also write an arrest statement, the pocket notebooks needed to include all the details too and these were then photocopied and included in the file.

It becomes apparent now why sometimes the police are reluctant to proceed in certain cases as they know that after all their hard work the individual is not going to get his comeuppance when he does appear in court and yet they have spent hours assembling the case.

Happy New Year to All

2008-01-05T11:54:00.000Z

It has been a busy time in the Bill household with Christmas and New Year celebrations along with continued studying; Mr Bill is finding it hard going to remember all the legislation relating to firearms, and sexual offences too. He has had two weeks off over Christmas, and told to make the most of it as it may be the last Christmas he is off for a few years. He has been spending his time reading his notes, making new notes, making dinner (and very nice it has been too), then back to notes.

He is back to work on Monday; he has a couple of weeks in the classroom, an exam, a couple of weeks on division learning about the correct filing of paperwork – it has got to be more than that, but we are not sure exactly what, and then a week off with the final, big, make or break exam……..

Santa Claus is coming to Town....

2007-12-19T21:33:00.000Z

Santa, knowing who is naughty or nice, would make a great CHIS -that is proper police-speak for a snout/grass/nark/tell-tale/informant.
Mr Bill has been in class learning all about how to handle CHISs (Covert Human Intelligence Source). He, however, will not get to handle them at all unless he joins the CID. Like keeping an endangered animal there are strict regulations about how many you can have and what you can do with them and how to keep them safe.

Other things Mr Bill learned about this week were:
RIPA - (Regulation of Investigatory Practices Act) this is the set guidelines for police to follow so that none of those poor little criminals have any of their human rights infringed.

Covert Registry - they keep the records on the CHISs and also have access to info on phone records, not normally available.

NIM- National Intelligence Model - this is talking to your neighbours and making a note of any useful info. I suggested if they really want to know what is going on in Llanffuglen they should put officers on the 10.10am bus into Llanffuglen - that's where all the juicy information is being shared regularly.

CRB (Crime Recording Bureau) - they are the number crunchers who are the accountants of the Police world - "No, you can't count that as a crime, but unless you find this man's wallet (which he probably left on the bus) that is a crime"

Mr Bill has also had speakers come to talk:

Computer crime - the majority of this is not fraud and phising but photographic material and suchlike. Probably a very difficult job to do.

Fraud Unit: they deal with canoeists who come back from the 'dead' as well as distraction burglaries, dodgy builders who con people.

Financial Investigation Unit: they look at money movements and go after the criminals’ ill-gotten gains – of anything recovered, half goes to the Government and the rest is divvied up between all the other agencies.

Still to come in the next couple of days:

FIB- Force Intelligence Bureau
TSU - Technical Support Unit
Major Crime Support Team (not sure why they aren't down as MCST)

Quick Update

2007-12-13T20:22:00.000Z

Mr Bill has been back in the classroom for the last few weeks, learning about firearms, fraud and sexual crimes. There is a large volume of legislation he needs to learn to be able to pass his next exam in January.
Mr Bill and his colleagues had a charity event recently; they put a great deal of time and effort into preparing an evening of first-class entertainment and managed to raise a substantial amount of money for a worthy cause.

Apologies for the dearth of blog entries but Mrs Bill has been rather busy lately so this blog (and Christmas preparations have suffered). At her work, Gordon Brittas has been running social housing in Llanffuglen and so it has been one unmitigated disaster after another– for those of you familiar with 'The Brittas Empire' I could quite understand if someone filled his car up with concrete....

Miss Bill has also given her parents cause for concern recently and is now sporting a day-glo pink cast and enjoying an extended break from school.

Crash, Bang, Wallop What a Picture!

2007-11-13T18:48:00.000Z

The Crash
The crash could have been much worse if it had not been for the quick-thinking school-bus driver who saw the boy racer coming straight towards him, stopped the bus and told the children on board to sit down properly. The driver of the car was not badly hurt but he is in big trouble with his Mum and Dad.

The Bang
This was the noise this van made when an electrical problem caused it to burst into flames. It was fortuitous Mr Bill and his tutor had been test driving a BMW car on loan to the Police – it meant they could get to the incident within a very short space of time and had the opportunity to fully test the road traction. Again there were no injuries and the van driver had removed his precious cargo from the back of the van. The veridct on the BMW was that it was fantastic

The Wallop
This was what Mr Bill’s colleagues thought he was going to get when he went to see an abusive, belligerent drunk who was refusing to leave Llanffuglen Bus Station. It was (thankfully) not to be as when Mr Bill admonished Dave the Drunk for swearing and suggested he apologise: Dave did exactly that – in fact he asked Mr Bill if he should get down on one knee to do it. Mr Bill said it might show contrition; so to the amazement of all the other Police Officers watching, Dave got down on one knee and gave a coherent, if not completely heartfelt apology, to the surrounding people. The other Officers who had prior experience of Dave had expected to see Mr Bill required to put into practice his self-defence skills and were probably looking forward to a bit of a scrap.

So today was the end of Mr Bill’s time on traffic and cream cakes were enjoyed by all.

The Bog of Eternal Stench

2007-11-12T12:10:00.000Z

Judging by the clinging stink of Nigel this must be where he lives. Nigel is one of the Llanffuglen drunks and Mr Bill has met him several times recently. Earlier in the week they had to pick him up out of the gutter after a well-meaning member of the public was concerned and dialled 999. Later Mr Bill found him again when Nigel had fallen off a bench and this time he was hurt with blood dripping from a nasty cut on his nose so an ambulance was called and the paramedics very reluctantly agreed to take him to hospital. Mr Bill and his tutor assisted with lifting Nigel into the ambulance – and he is no feather weight. He also has the most appalling odour; Mr Bill said it is the worst smell he has ever experienced. The hospital patched Nigel up, gave him a power washing, some clean clothes and left him to have a sleep; unfortunately when they woke him to check his vitals he was not pleased and after some verbal abuse he departed back to the town. Today Mr Bill had a call a drunk was refusing to leave a local grocery shop; it was none other than Nigel again. He was not happy the staff refused to sell him any alcohol. They were also keen to have him leave as he was again stinking.

From what Mr Bill said stinking probably only begins to describe the nasal experience that is Nigel.

Police Car Convention

2007-11-11T08:08:00.000Z

At least that is what it would have looked like yesterday as 24 assorted Police vehicles were gathered: dog vans, ARVs (Armed Response Vehicles), Police cars and vans. There had been an incident in a particular community and, since the Police have had trouble here before, they knew things could kick off in a big way. So they went in, if not all guns blazing, at least all guns loaded, Tazars charged and PAVA spray at the ready. Mr Bill said he felt reassured by the heavy Police presence, which as it turned out was not required to take any direct action.
Mr Bill said it was amazing to see the effect a sudden burst of adrenaline has on people; colleagues who had prior to the call-out felt a bit under the weather were suddenly ready for anything. Mr Bill said he felt confident that they would all have leapt in to help if any colleague had encountered any awkward customers.
I might be mistaken but from what Mr Bill recounted to me it would appear some of the officers were probably a little disappointed not to see some ‘action’ - I am sure you who know Mr Bill will realise he was not one of those officers.

Today Mr Bill’s tutor, who loves being a traffic cop, is hoping to get a good dose of traffic policing – he thinks they have been doing far too much crime this week as they have been covering general policing - a virus has left the station a bit short-staffed. They will be trawling the roads of Llanffuglen looking for traffic infringements. So if your tyres need replacing, your car lights are not all working, you have illegal chavy lights on your car, or you are still hung over from being out on the town drinking last night then you had better not be driving round here!

The Power

2007-11-09T18:26:00.000Z

Mr Bill attended at a road accident today; it was not very serious but it caused major delays as it was on a dual carriageway. A woman in one car had pulled across traffic when she should have waited and a van had broadsided her. One nasty laceration later and Mr Bill said he knows he will be able to cope with viewing some gore anyway. It was a nasty cut requiring the skills of a surgeon to put all the bits of muscle, tendon and skin in the right places. The woman was sent off to hospital to be patched up.
Mr Bill’s tutor needed to take measurements, arrange the removal of the vehicles, sweep the road and clear up any debris so the road was partially closed and Mr Bill was required to divert the traffic round the accident, across a side turning, over a traffic island and then back onto the carriageway. The dual carriageway obviously has two lanes and as there was only room for one lane at a time to bypass the accident scene the drivers were required to queue and then take it in turns to go past. Most people do queue politely and do not try and squeeze past other cars to push in front but there are always those few… but today Mr Bill was All-Powerful and for those of you who have had the irritation of having someone sneak down the side of the politely queuing drivers and pull in at the front – well today Mr Bill made those rude, inconsiderate people wait their turn – much to the amusement and pleasure of the well-mannered drivers.
I don’t think the power will go to his head……..

Cops in Cars

2007-11-05T19:00:00.000Z

Well Mr Bill passed the exam with flying colours so he was very happy. This meant he could start his two week placement in the Traffic Division with confidence.
He has been looking forward to this placement and has been hoping he would be paired up with an officer driving a Volvo, rather than a Galaxy or whatever other cars they drive. The reason for this is he wanted to get a taste of ‘real Traffic policing’ and you can only do that if you are driven around narrow country roads at 60mph in a high performance Volvo rather than losing traction at 45 mph in a standard police car. Happily for Mr Bill he has been out in the Volvo the last two evenings - but as it is a new car and the driver is not used to it he only took the corners at 50mph and the straights at 100mph as he does not want to push it yet – we wondered if this is the police version of ‘running in’.
Mr Bill has been busy both evenings; there was an accident involving a car driven by a very silly young man, a hedge and a stationary car; by some miracle the silly young man walked away unhurt, however, the cars were written off and the hedge isn’t doing too well either.
Later he attended the scene of an accident where a drunk young man had walked out into the oncoming traffic and been tossed ten feet up into the air, landing on the road but sustaining only a mild concussion. The poor driver was very shaken.
Mr Bill has been issuing HORT1s and VDRNs to people who have no documentation, broken lights, or dodgy number plates. (It is illegal to alter the spacing of letters and numbers on a personalised number plate)

Mr Bill is a little apprehensive about the gore that might be on display if there is a nasty accident – his partner was telling him in graphic detail about an incident he attended last week where a young man was killed – definitely a closed coffin funeral. It appears Mr Bill’s partner is slightly macabre and will often swap with his queasier colleagues to do the paperwork involved with viewing the injuries and writing the report on some of these accidents. I think that although Mr Bill is squeamish about seeing gore on screen, in real life he has always managed fine – he delivered a baby without fainting or vomiting (he even made bacon sarnies for the tardy ambulance men when they did eventually arrive)

Traffic Law and Upcoming E**m

2007-10-27T14:19:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill has had an interesting week ending with role-playing in a local motorway service station car park. Drama students from the local college turned up to act in scenarios for Mr Bill and his colleagues. The situations were such as:
a car pulled over as the driver was weaving across the road
a car spotted as having a light not working

The students took their roles very seriously and as some of them had been told to act up - they did.
Mr Bill always enjoys these role-play sessions, much more than some of the other recruits; but they managed well and were told they have all improved considerably since the morning spent role-playing in Llanffuglen Shopping Centre a while back.
Next week is serious study as they have the exam on Thursday and Mr Bill is keen to do better in this one than the last.
One of the talks they had this week was about road accident investigation. The Collision Investigation Unit is required to attend the scene of any serious accident to take pictures, measurements etc. It is imperative that the officer arrives at the scene as quickly as possible as the road may be closed and cannot open until after the investigation has occurred. This means the officer is obliged to drive around most of the time in a high performance car with siren and blue lights on. They all have to pass the advanced driving exam, which Mr Bill is quite keen on doing. Apparently you need to be hot on maths – presumably trigonometry to work out angles and distances. There is at present a shortage of Collision Investigation Officers and Mr Bill is looking forward to his time on Traffic from Monday 5th November–Friday 16th November to see whether he would like to join them when he has finished his initial training.
The sorts of traffic law Mr Bill has been learning consist of definitions, precise wordings of cautions to be read to drivers as well as the actual relevant road traffic acts. It seems the Police have lots of powers – one of them being that if they try to pull you over but you don’t stop they can come round to your house, smash your door down (if you won’t let them in), and arrest you.

Mr Bill also watched the adverts, shown only in Northern Ireland, to warn of the dangers of dangerous driving and drink driving. They cannot be shown on mainland UK as they are too graphic, but the resilient NI audience can take the tough scenes depicted. Mr Bill is going to give copies of these movies to the older of the Bill offspring as he thinks they should be aware of the possible results of mixing alcohol or reckless behaviour with driving

Traffic

2007-10-17T19:02:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill is learning all about traffic offences this week. It has made him look more closely at drivers he sees on his way to and from work. He has been tempted to stop a couple of people on his way home; one for driving while using a mobile phone and another for driving without due care and attention. But he didn't (I don't think he is allowed to yet). He merely allowed them to notice his half blues; white policeman shirt and black trousers (but no epaulettes) and enjoyed the look of shock horror on their faces as they realised what they had been spotted doing and by whom!
He has been issuing HORT1s to just about everyone in the family (although the cat might have got away so far). These are the notices that are given to drivers who have to then produce their documents at a police station or prove that they have had a defect repaired on their vehicle.

After finishing these sessions in the classroom the recruits are going to be out and about with the Traffic division. So beware any drivers who have bald tyres, cracked mirrors, or drive too fast or whilst drunk: in a couple of weeks the roads of Llanffuglen are going to be at the mercy of Mr Bill in a traffic car who will be trying to use all the skills he has learned.

You do have to be mad............

2007-10-09T18:53:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill is having a very interesting week so far. He is on placement, as an observer, at a specialist mental health unit in Llanffuglen General Hospital. He has seen ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) which is nothing like it was in the olden days when people could end up with broken bones from the convulsions caused by the electricity - now they have muscle relaxant, are anaesthetised and then have a small electric current passed through their frontal lobes. Some people have these 'brain reboots' weekly for a period, some only need then after several years. Seeing the difference in one lady he talked to made him understand how effective this treatment can be; he said this patient had looked depressed in a way he had never seen before – her countenance made him think of a ‘dementor’ (apologies to non-Harry Potter readers)
The side effect of this treatment is patients invariably suffer some short-term memory loss – they just do not remember much of what happened in the hours before the treatment – so I guess it is important to schedule ECT well away from events where memories are going to be precious.

Some people think the life inside a mental institution beats prison so they try and imitate the behaviour of a mentally ill person; Mr Bill has met one such faker – quite why anyone would want to be locked away for years with little chance of freedom escapes me. The staff pointed out the behaviours and the things this individual had said which suggested this was imitation. This naughty man was not happy when they would not give him what he was hoping for and it was at this stage Mr Bill had leave off being an observer and put his enormous muscles to good use as the medical staff administered an injection; chemical straightjackets are used instead of the fabric ones these days and can be quickly effective on a healthy young man – within minutes indolence and lead-booted apathy replaces the aggression.

Mr Bill has been very impressed with all the staff he has met so far and the standard of care offered to the patients.

But if there if there is one thing to be learned from the week it is that if the men in white coats arrive here at the Bill home then Mr Bill will be rushing to put on a shirt and tie :-)

Misper

2007-10-03T21:29:00.001+01:00

A misper is a missing person: Mr Bill learned about the procedure to follow when someone reports a loved one who did not come home or has gone missing after an argument. Mr Bill says it seemed like common sense to him - if it is a child the investigation gets underway immediately, if it is a parent phoning about a teenager who went storming out after an argument then enquiries would start differently. If the individual is vulnerable then obviously common sense tells you that you need to make sure they are safe and also that the public are safe too. It seems some of this might be in preparation for next week; a chance for Mr Bill to find out more about mental health problems as he spends a week at a mental health centre.

Mr Bill learned a little about searches – he was going to learn how to search a room but Sergeant Shiny Shoes is the expert and has been called in to an important case locally which everyone wants to solve as quickly and effectively as possible. The Serg did give them an explanation of what he is doing and how he goes about the search in this case– which Mr Bill said was very interesting.

He learned about some of the Police powers to be used with mentally ill people – they cannot often be arrested but they can be taken to a place of safety – safety for them and the public too one hopes. It just depends whether there is a place in a psychiatric unit which sometimes there isn’t :-(

Sudden Death

2007-10-01T18:40:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill had a talk today about dealing with sudden death - another form to fill in. He was a bit shocked that the others, including the tutor, did not see the importance of looking smart to deliver bad news to someone. It seems to us that if you are going to hear bad news it somehow shows more respect to look smart when you deliver the news - I know it does not make it any easier or reduce the grief - but it is a mark of respect.

Over the next few days Mr Bill is going to learn about autopsies and perhaps see one if he wants - apparently the smell is so distinctive if you ever smell it again your memory will take you back to the mortuary.
He will also hear about the Coroner and his work and find out how scary they are – they like to terrorise police officers. There should be tutorials about dealing with a missing person situation and searching a room too – he should always be able to find his keys and phone after that!

There probably will not be a blog tomorrow as Mr Bill’s schedule had been changed because of an incident locally so they are going to do computer based stuff which Mr Bill has already finished.

Gold Star and a Week's Holiday

2007-09-21T18:37:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill was marked very highly for his role play of interviewing a suspect - I said I thought it was from years of experience of interrogating the children to find out who exactly started the fight/broke the ornament/scribbled on the furniture...(the list goes on and on).
Mr Bill was very nervous about the interviewing as there is a lot of stuff to remember. He spent a great deal of time preparing for it - he had to work out exactly what he was going to ask the suspect, based on what he wanted to find out. It all gets quite complicated as what else you ask depends on what the answers are. The person who he interviewed had been instructed to be difficult and not helpful at all. Everyone said he handled it well and got as much out of the suspect as it was possible to do. It was also much better to have that suspect than the one who was told to act in a flirtatious manner with the female officer interviewing him - the rest of the recruits viewing the interview said it was hilarious.
When Mr Bill was the suspect he was instructed to admit to everything.

Now Mr Bill has a week off (well off Police work anyway - he has yet to see the list of things I have lined up for him to do!)

Significant Silence, Significant Statements, Section 36 &37

2007-09-17T18:41:00.000+01:00

These are what Mr Bill was learning about today. They are all things to do with interviewing suspects; significant statements and significant silences and are types of responses made by the suspect when under caution.
To try and counteract those tricky solicitors telling their clients not to say anything, the Police now have Section 36 and 37 of Criminal Justice & Public Order Act to counter them - this means that the accused cannot suddenly come up with some evidence and spring it on to the prosecution during the trial.

Mr Bill is rather swamped with the paperwork at present - it seems they are trying to accustom him to full-time policing. He has to practise filling in all the forms he will use in his work but in addition he has to keep a learning diary, answer slightly daft questions in inane questionnaires, and also keep track of whether he can tick any more boxes in his I-Spy Policing book.

Interview Techniques

2007-09-11T18:25:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill is learning how to interview people - and that doesn't mean he can moonlight as one of those annoying people who wonder if you have time for a few questions, when you are out shopping.
He is learning to extract information from people - and it is much harder than you might think - if you have asked certain members of our extended family a simple question you might well end up getting a very long-winded answer full of spurious details (you know who you are).

After passing this part of the course Mr Bill will be a Tier 1 interviewer - only able to ask questions of people who have witnessed small, insignificant crimes. If you have witnessed a murder then there is no point pouring your story out to Mr Bill as you will only have to do it again when a Tier 3 interviewer is found.

There are several different types of witness too: vulnerable, significant, intimidated
There will be more posts on interviewing witnesses as next week is a continuation of the topic.

He has not begun to cover interviewing suspects yet.

More Domestic Violence And Deaf Awareness

2007-09-07T18:20:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill has had an interesting week. He had a couple of days where a lot was said but not a lot was learned but then on Wednesday he met the survivors of domestic violence and he, and the other recruits, found it a very moving experience. It was emotionally draining for the recruits to hear from these women what they had gone through and it must have been more so for the women. Mr Bill says he cannot comprehend how a human can do those things to another human. For example (and this is a lesser one) one man made his partner repeat everything he said and he hit her if she didn't. All the things were about control. The abusive partner would gradually undermine the self-confidence of the woman and then separate her from family and friends until he had, in effect, stolen her life away. Mr Bill said the refuge where these women can find safety is near his beat and the women said they would be pleased to have a coffee with him if he wanted to call in from time to time.

Today Mr Bill had deaf awareness, oops sorry that should be Deaf Awareness - that's not me being funny either. The deaf who use British Sign Language are ‘Deaf’: people who don’t are ‘deaf’ - snobbish or what. The guy who talked to them said lip reading is over rated and very difficult - but maybe he just isn’t very good.

He did say if the police arrest a Deaf person then to be aware that they might appear to be struggling when they have the handcuffs on but actually they are just trying to communicate.

Back To The Classroom

2007-09-03T20:14:00.001+01:00

After a busy fortnight Mr Bill was not looking forward to going back to the classroom at HQ. Although he enjoyed catching up with his colleagues and hearing what they have been up to.

Today Mr Bill learned about the problems associated with Domestic Violence. It must be very frustrating for a police officer if the victim withdraws her (not so often his) allegations and forgives the partner who promises that was the last time and it will never happen again......
In recent years changes have meant that the Police do have some powers to continue with a prosecution even if the victim does not want to.

The recruits have been told there will be more fitness tests from now on - Mr Bill should be ok as he is down the gym regularly.

Mr Bill has some light reading for tonight - work books to get through and lots of stuff to read. So no relaxing for him tonight.

Adrenalin Rush Over

2007-08-31T19:54:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill has just finished his two weeks of duty at Llanffuglen Police Station. He has been working quite a few late shifts so I have not seen much of him and I only heard about his week, tonight, when I got in from work.
He has made three arrests, performed a couple of searches, been authorised for a Section 18 search (one of the things he needed to learn about for his recent exam) and generally had a very busy couple of weeks.

It has been good for Mr Bill to see how the stuff he has been learning can be put into action. It will be strange for him to go back to the classroom for the next few weeks after all the adrenalin rush of chasing (and catching) the baddies.

Mr Bill had very nice things said about him by his tutor – PC ASAP thinks Mr Bill did very well and is going to make a great copper! (But we already knew that)

Hot Fuzz

2007-08-25T21:57:00.000+01:00

The Fuzz were very hot today; it was gorgeous weather here in Llanffuglen. Mr Bill had a 9am start (so that means he has to be ready for the briefing at 8.30am). He was a bit concerned he might melt because of the stab vest – so if all villains could not take out knives on hot days it would be much appreciated :-))
(I suggested it might be an ideal day for driving round Llanffuglen to become familiar with the area, especially if the car has air-con)

Mr Bill has just phoned to say he will be getting some overtime tonight as he has to take witness statements about an incident involving a car. So I will keep him some tea and hear about it later.

Mr Bill arrived home in the end about 8pm – so he has 2 hours overtime tonight.

He has certainly been busy.
Real life imitated film today as Mr Bill rescued an injured swan, reported by a member of the public. As Bank Holiday traffic was so heavy the vet who came to assist required a blue light escort back to the veterinary surgery.

PC ASAP used his God-like powers and parted the traffic with just the application of blue lights and a very loud siren. (I get the idea he loves this bit of the job) .

Brownie points for a very observant Mr Bill as he spotted a car the shift had been asked to look out for; the result was that he collared another two people – one of them was a very naughty man and it took the death of three trees to print out all his previous. It has now been left to the courts to sort out appropriate punishment.........

Rest Days

2007-08-22T13:23:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill has three rest days; he is going to catch up on sleep, enjoy his Mum's cooking, get his car fixed, mow the grass, wash and iron his shirts, entertain the little Bills and then be well rested to go back on duty on Saturday!

Quite a Good Day

2007-08-21T19:32:00.001+01:00

Mr Bill worked a 11am-7pm shift today. He drove to SandyBeach to ~~enjoy the sunshine~~ provide an increased police presence after an under-dressed man was reported displaying to the tourists.
They also had a visit to the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) to see what the chance was going to be of getting a conviction in the case of a rather unpleasant individual who was due in court to face domestic violence charges: not as high a charge as they would like but he should get locked up for a bit.
Local shops do enjoy having police officers around as it deters the baddies – so lots of shops let the police use the staff canteen facilities; Mr Bill had a nice lunch today – he made up for Saturday as he also had a roast beef dinner when he got home.

Mr Bill had so many people asking for places of interest around Llanffuglen that he dropped into the Tourist Board Office to pick up some maps to give to people!

2007-08-20T23:47:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill set off for work after an early lunch to get there for 1.30pm.
He did apprehend a shoplifter - silly young man has now got himself banned from an national chain of car accessory shops (all for a can of paint).
Mr Bill was given a new shirt today as he had found a spot of blood on his shirt on Saturday night and they wanted him to throw it in the bin (it washed up fine - although I did wash it on its own in the machine).

He has managed to tick several boxes so far in addition to the shoplifter as he has dealt with found property - a driving licence handed in.

All the little Bills have been busy now they have two working parents - I am definitely going to keep my job if the house is that clean every time I get home!

A Quiet Night

2007-08-20T20:29:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill set off for work at about 3.45pm for a 5pm start, although you are expected at work half and hour before your shift starts. He arrived home at about 2am. He had a much quieter night than Saturday and PC ASAP was disappointed not to find any boy racers to warn about the dangers of speeding on quiet back roads. It seems they were all having an early night. Perhaps they were all at home making prank calls as Mr Bill was asked to respond to calls made from the public about naked women roaming the streets and people being thrown from cars. There was no trace of either found.

PC ASAP has changed tomorrow's shift from 5pm-1am to 2pm-10pm partly so Mr Bill might get a chance to tick his 'nicked a shoplifter' box.

Blue Streak

2007-08-19T09:10:00.000+01:00

Well, Mr Bill got back from his shift about 2am. He saw the sights of Llanffuglen from a different perspective altogether. He said it was quite fun racing along the streets with the blue lights flashing. Apparently it was a quiet night for a Saturday and so it was just mainly drunk and disorderly problems.

Mr Bill has an "I Spy Police" book to fill in for his training and he was able to tick a couple of the boxes last night. His tutor colleague, PC ASAP , seems a nice bloke and really knows his stuff so Mr Bill felt he was in capable hands.

PC ASAP asked Mr Bill which I Spy boxes he wants to get ticked next and so it looks like they will get to go along if any of those shouts occur. He is back on duty again tonight.......

STOP PRESS

2007-08-18T18:44:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill received a phone call about an hour ago asking him if he could come in to Llanffuglen to start his duty tonight.
So he kitted up and he has gone off to join the boys in blue and fight crime and uphold the rule of law.......

He was a bit apprehensive and he will be leaving for home sometime after 1am.
Mr Bill has missed dinner tonight - and those of you who know him well will realise the sacrifice this is for him - dedication to duty or what?

To be continued.........

Collective Sigh of Relief

2007-08-17T20:58:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill and his colleagues all had a great night out last night, celebrating passing the exam. Mr Bill cannot let up as he has to keep on studying now for the next one and to brush up bit more on the material he has already done.
Everyone was relieved that they and all the others had got through.

Mr Bill is out on patrol with his tutor next week - starting Sunday at 5pm. During the next two weeks he will do 9am-5pm, 2pm-10pm and 5pm-1am shifts, but not night shift until he is more experienced at dealing with vampires and other night creatures.
They all talked about what worries they have regarding their time on patrol over the next fortnight - the verbal/physical abuse they might receive and how they might react to it. It sounds as if they are all a little apprenhensive.

Mr Bill had the big cheese come and visit them today - the Chief Constable. I don't think it will be a regular occurrence.
Posts next week might be a bit sporadic as Mr and Mrs Bill will not have so much time to talk - with Mr Bill on shifts and Mrs Bill starting a new job on Monday. - maybe Mr Bill will write his own posts

Exam

2007-08-16T14:11:00.000+01:00

Today was the exam. Mr Bill was quite nervous about it and afterwards sent a text saying it went ok ish.
He sent a text at lunchtime to say he passed - in fact he got the pass mark of 60% so although he does not need to worry about a re-sit he will be given an action plan. Probably it will say: study harder.

The recruits are all going out to celebrate tonight in a wild neighbouring town - should be 'fun' as the A level results came out today (well done to Master Bill on getting into Uni) and there will be much celebrating going on.

None of Mr Bill's colleagues failed although several had the same mark as him.

The next exam is in November so a bit of respite for now.

Muscle Burn, Brain Burn

2007-08-15T19:13:00.000+01:00

Well it was meant to be a fitness session this morning followed by a revision session this afternoon, but the fitness was cancelled or postponed. Instead they heard from victim support.
Now we probably all think innocent victims of crime should receive compensation, but if the victim of one week turns out to be the perpetrator the following, do they really need such tender loving care - wouldn't it be better if the victim support people visited the old ladies who've been mugged and are too scared to leave their houses?

Mr Bill is not very happy tonight as he has only NOW been told that he should be learning the Acts parrot fashion and that he also needs to be able to interpret them for all the different situations when it seems he has not been given all the relevant information.
He did not do as badly in the revision questions as he had first led us to believe – after depressing everyone over dinner it then turns out he probably would have just scraped through!

Well that’s it for tonight as I have Criminal Damage and Public Order Offences waiting for me.

A Hotbed of Criminality

2007-08-14T20:50:00.001+01:00

Illegal drugs, an abusive man, an animal rights protestor with a history of violence, illegal weapons, a burglary, shoplifting, and a deaf woman who locked her keys in the car – another normal day at the local shopping centre. Actually these are the incidents Mr Bill and his colleague dealt with today at the Llanffuglen shopping centre. The roles were all played by actors but, I guess on thinking about it, this could happen at the Ffuglen Centre; the drug dealers and other undesirables all promptly left the area as they saw upwards of 20 uniformed officers arrive.
Someone did comment to Mr Bill that you wait ages for one police officer and then 20 of them turn up at once!

Today was a chance for Mr Bill to try out all the knowledge and skills he has been accumulating. He was marked very highly, and particularly commended for how he dealt with a drug dealer/addict. He also disarmed a man who would have 'attacked' his colleague; the man was slipping telescopic nunchucks down from his sleeve.

Nunchucks are a weapon used originally in martial arts

What did surprise Mr Bill was the number of ordinary members of the public who asked him to have a word with their child and tell the little so and so to behave. I had always thought making your children behave was supposed to be the parents’ job.

Intelligence and Alcohol

2007-08-13T15:44:00.000+01:00

Today Mr Bill had a session this morning entitled "Introduction to Intelligence" - that's a bit rich when he has been exercising his brain cells all weekend learning amongst other things: Powers of Entry as contained in PACE 17, 18, 19, and 117. I like 117 as it is all about having the right to smash down doors because you believe you need to - I guess you do have to justify it a bit more.
Of course the intelligence doesn’t refer to the recruits' own intellect but is about collecting information about individuals and crimes. Then they learned how this is all collated and redistributed to the relevant people. Some of the guidelines they were given seemed like commonsense to me - such as not giving the accused access to details of the informants or they might go round and visit them ........
This afternoon was the 'Social Effects of Alcohol' and 'Drunkenness in Public Places'
Up to 50% of all crime is drink related and 90% of Social Disorder offences – not really surprising I suppose.

Mr Bill was given the 5 stage guide to drunkenness:

Stage 1 – CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire pub and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still CLEVER, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

At the station where Mr Bill is to be located the custody sergeants do not take kindly to having their clean cells messed up by vomiting, incontinent drunks who just need a good sleep in a safe place. So he was told just take the person home and let them sleep it off. But maybe not like this:

Argy-bargy

2007-08-10T21:46:00.001+01:00

Yesterday and today was: Breach Of The Peace, Harassment, Public Order, and Assault

Breach Of The Peace
It turns out that if there is a breach of the Queen’s Peace, any person can make an arrest and the troublemaker is then bound over – I was very disappointed to find that binding people over involves no real binding at all, not even the smallest piece of rope!

Harassment
In 1992 Tracey Morgan was living a happy life until she started being harassed. The only problem was harassment wasn’t a crime then. The Harassment Act didn’t arrive on the statue till 1997.
Tracey’s life was made miserable because of what she suffered – and it must have been horrible. Here is a link to her story

Public Order
Mr Bill and his colleagues came up themselves with a handy aide memoir for the Public Order stuff – it's rather rude and the little Bill’s might read this, so if you want to know what it is you will have to ask Mr Bill :-)

Assault
There are different levels of assault:
Common Assault: from the merest scratch to a black eye
Actual Bodily Harm: breaking teeth, extensive bruising, a broken nose and even psychiatric injury such as the victim being too afraid to leave their house.
Grievous Bodily Harm: more permanent injuries such as disfigurement, broken bones, permanent loss of a sensory function.
Aggravated Assault: I think this is to do with the intent that the assaulter had

Mr Bill has lots of studying to do this weekend as he has to pass an exam on Thursday - 65% and above is ok, 60-65 results in being given an action plan, less than 60 - oh dear that is not good enough – not sure what happens – just hope none of them get to find out.

Officer Safety Training

2007-08-08T19:43:00.000+01:00

This does not mean looking left and right before you cross the road or always put your seatbelt on when you are about to enter a high speed chase. It is techniques to enable the officer to remain safe when confronted by the baddies. What Mr Bill learned today was a continuation of what he learned on 30th July and showed us at home and had the family screaming for mercy as he held them down on the floor.
Handily we had friends and family over tonight so Mr Bill had lots of 'volunteers' to try his moves on.
He and his colleagues practised on each other today and Mr Bill, having been warned by an experienced police officer, went prepared and had wrist sweat bands to stop his wrists getting sore. If the cuffs are put on properly they can be painful and the most recalcitrant criminal can be brought to better behaviour.
Mmm, perhaps having some handcuffs would have made bringing up the little Bills easier.

Mr Bill has a utility belt (similar to Batman’s) and found out where all the equipment goes on it and how it is to be used. When fully equipped it is quite heavy and makes going through narrow doors difficult.

Is Everybody Here On Drugs?

2007-08-07T19:59:00.000+01:00

Well Cerys Matthews certainly was and judging by the amount of stuff found by our Boys In Blue it would seem drug dealers think so too. I knew half the valley were on Prozac, prescribed by the GP, but it turns out the other half are on: heroin, cocaine, Ritalin, crystal meth, cannabis in any of its various forms, amphetamines, LSD, Ecstasy, GHB, Ketamine, AMK, all mixed freely with each other, alcohol and prescribed medications

Mr Bill learned all about the different drugs and he even got to see some - we wondered what would happen if the person bringing the samples in was stopped on their way in - "Oh these drugs are for educational purposes, Officer".

We have our very own hallucinogenic here in the valley and on a Sunday afternoon 'walkers' from the town come, carrying bags and usually dressed inappropriately to spend an afternoon hiking up a steep mountain, searching for the magic mushrooms growing wild in these parts; when dried these fungi are brewed into a tea.

There are lots of nasty consequences of taking drugs and it would seem if no one got drunk or took illegal drugs we might have considerably less crime in Llanffuglen (still have sheep rustling as it is not usually prompted by drug taking) - and almost none in some cities.

DR GO WISE

2007-08-06T19:02:00.000+01:00

This is not some Zen advice but yet another mnemonic for Mr Bill so that he does a 'Stop and Search' properly and not cause an incident like the Brixton riots which were apparently caused by inappropriate stop and searches

It is obviously important to know the legal stuff behind whatever you are doing but some of these aide memoirs seem a bit difficult to remember. So far we have:
DRs ABC
WIFE
ADVOKATE
COPPLANED
NASH
TLORD
ELBOWS
DIE
SHACKS
And quite a few others too.

As far as Stop and Search rules go, if a police officer thinks you look suspicious he can search you - but not your hat or shoes, unless you agree to remove them, so the officer can see inside them. You might think then these would be the ideal place to hide your contraband but perhaps not – in Llanffuglen, if you decline to show the inside of your head gear or footwear you will be taken to the station and given a full strip-search.

I am a bit worried about Mr Bill tonight as he said he is going to be doing drugs tomorrow.

Diversity

2007-08-03T16:13:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill arrived home a bit earlier than expected and is feeling completely diversified; he spent the afternoon learning about diversity - how we are all different but special etc etc. I think it is likely that the inidviduals he will meet will not be any of the ones he has seen on his training video. They were all nice, well-adjusted, law abiding individuals whereas the people he is likely to come across are less likely to be fine, upstanding members of the community.
Mr Bill has had good marks for the homework he has had back. So gold star for him :-)

Theft, Robbery or Burglary?

2007-08-01T21:03:00.000+01:00

Would you know the difference?
Well Mr Bill is beginning to find out that they are different but all covered by the 1968 Theft Act and some subsequent amendment Acts.
Theft does not cover people stealing mushrooms growing wild in a farmer’s field which are taken and cooked to be eaten by the taker (or thief as most people would think) – if he sold them it would be a different matter – quite what you could charge this person with has not yet been covered.
There were numerous scenarios which Mr Bill went through and had to decide whether they would be covered by the Theft Act.
It seems that quite a lot of the stuff in this Act is to do with intent and it also seems that intent is rather difficult to prove.
One thing he did spot was that if your High Street Bank mistakenly pays money into your account and you do not take reasonable steps to bring it to their attention you can be done under this Act. As with all legal things it does not specify what reasonable is.

Mr Bill is a bit itred tonight, having found it rather heavy going today and is not especially looking forward to handling stolen goods, criminal damage or criminal attempts tomorrow. If he is too tired to talk about his day there might not be a post.

"She Tried to Get Me With A Spoon..."

2007-07-31T20:49:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill learned about arresting people today. They had to role play, with police staff yet again pretending to be villains. Having arrested and charged the criminal they were taken to the custody suite (and it is air conditioned) and then booked in by the custody sergeant. They were supposed to search the suspect and check them for weapons, drugs, sharps etc. One of Mr Bill’s female colleagues had an individual to book in who was really getting into it – shaking, crying, and then she suddenly drew a spoon out of her bra to attack the officer. I guess it could have been a knife (or fork maybe) a reminder that officers need to be vigilant when bringing in prisoners. Some individuals are remarkably imaginative about where stuff can be hidden ….made my eyes water just hearing about it.

We got to meet some of Mr Bill’s colleagues tonight as he brought them back home for a meal after finishing locking up all the riff-raff. They are a nice bunch and the little Bills enjoyed hearing the stories they told.

Bringing Pressure To Bear

2007-07-30T22:22:00.000+01:00

The pressure is brought to bear on the unruly individual to encourage him to obey the instructions given by the police officer. In part one of OST (officer safety training) Mr Bill and his colleagues learned how to deal with recalcitrant individuals who might want to cause the officer some harm. A certain amount of pressure applied to one of several specific body sites renders the individual much less troublesome to the officer who is then able to apply handcuffs. They all practised on each other – generally you are at a disadvantage if you are small and light – so Mr Bill did pretty well. However one young lady found one particular hold, ‘the goose neck’, performed on the thumb and wrist was quite effective.
Mr Bill being such a well-built chap, of course, everyone wanted to floor him so he is a bit bruised and battered –not quite sure how he got it but he seems to have a Chinese burn or something similar on his arm.
All the little Bill’s were keen to see all the moves and try them out so it was rather noisy with the realistic shouting of the ‘officer’ and the yelling of the ‘thug’ – along with the laughing and shouting of the audience. Just as well we have such understanding neighbours.

Victim, Evidence and Maybe, Stupid Criminals

2007-07-27T18:36:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill learned about evidence handling today – not at all like villains handling stolen property where you hope it is covered in fingerprints and other forensic evidence. It is of the utmost importance not to contaminate any evidence; criminals have canny lawyers to get them off if they can show there is even the least possibility of cross contamination.
There is procedure for everything involved with a crime scene and usually a ‘handy’ mnemonic to remember what to do. Actually there are so many to learn that Mr Bill is wondering if he should make up a mnemonic to help him remember them!

It is obviously important to think about the victim - and assess what help they are going to need. I notice there is a box on the crime sheet especially to note distraction burglary - sad that people take advantage of very vulnerable people so frequently.

It is no wonder that people have to wait so long for the police to turn up when there has been a burglary as the officers are filling in the paperwork for the previous incidents they have attended.
One thing they have to do when taking down the crime details is to make a note of the modus operandi of the criminal - not having much to do with the criminal fraternity I was surprised at the calling cards some villains leave! Urinating in cupboards was a bit of a surprise – so if you get burgled and there is a damp patch in a cupboard it might be worth getting scene of crime officer to take a swab! It does seem strange the criminals leave a DNA sample to assist the police in identifying them.

"Team Building"

2007-07-26T20:07:00.000+01:00

Hmmm! Mr Bill is "teambuilding" today.
Actually he is off with the rest of the intake having a day out. The rest of the Bill tribe feel the need to do some teambuilding so we are thinking of going out and having loads of fun at a local attraction too.
Mr Bill is not going to worry about the weather as he is kitted out with a wet-suit and is going to be doing some water sports. He fears there has been too much rain for any except the most expert kayakers so they may have had to abandon their first choice of day out.

Well it is 8pm and Mr Bill is back after a day kayaking on a full, but not too fast flowing river. It sounds as if they all had plenty of opportunity to reach their potential - one even reached a little too far and capsized his boat. Sounds like they had lots of fun teambuilding opportunities. And they had a much better day than the previous intake, who were needed at an incident to bulk up the numbers to prevent a breach of the peace - they spent the day in the rain and were easy to spot as they were ones wearing their still pristine, bright fluorescent-yellow jackets.

Mr Bill is quite tired out after his long day.

Big Red Door Key

2007-07-25T16:29:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill was let out a bit early today which was nice ☺ as it gives him some more time to do all that reading at home ☹
(It would be ok if he was allowed to read the new 'Harry Potter')
Today he learned about summons and powers of entry - and they have lots of powers so watch out! There are several reasons a police officer can force his or her way into your house and they are covered extensively in the 'Police and Criminal Evidence Act' (PACE). One is if they believe there is an actual danger to life: so if an officer 'smells gas' he or she is allowed to force entry - 'cos you might get blown up otherwise. AND it is not just your house they can enter - the law covers vehicle, vessel, aircraft or hovercraft, tent and anything else the officer can fit into the definition of premises.
The ‘Big Red Door Key’ is what we see on TV when the police forcibly open a door (more of a battering ram really) but I don’t think Mr Bill gets his own one.

Mr Bill was asked to deliver a summons today. Again it was all a set up but the individual put on a good show of excuses and disbelief; I guess acting ability is an essential quality of all of Police Staff these days. One of Mr Bill's colleagues had to chase after his person to fulfil the requirements of delivering his summons.

Tomorrow is not more of the same but instead “an opportunity to build up confidence within the group and to help the individuals within the group to develop skills and to reach their potential blah blah blah” - they are off on a jaunt.

You've Got The Power

2007-07-24T15:58:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill learned about the power of arrest and there's much to learn and it's only going to get worse as time goes on.
Indictable and summary offences and the differences, when you give which type of caution (there are 3), and what add-ons, to a suspect, when you are allowed to arrest someone – there are several different reasons for arresting and that does not refer to all the different crimes they may have committed …. I could go on but unless you are thinking of becoming a police officer it is probably more than enough already!
Mr and Mrs Bill have now found a cure for insomnia - Mr Bill was finding reading through some of his notes hard going so I offered to help and within a few minutes he was sleeping peacefully - I don't think that is supposed to happen ☺

Mr Bill caught his first criminal today – okay so it is unlikely that a criminal would have found his way onto HQ, got in through the electronic doors and then been able to start rummaging through personal bags - but he was wearing a hoodie so he had made an effort to look the part. The trainer drew the recruits’ attention to this miscreant and asked them what they were going to do about it. Immediately Mr Bill leapt up out of his chair and gave chase. The felon ran fast, but so did Mr Bill and eventually after a hazardous chase, Mr Bill caught hold of the culprit. Yes, it was all set up – but everyone was amazed that not only could Mr Bill move so fast (for such an old bloke) but also so much faster than the rest of them.
It will be interesting to see what stunts the trainer comes up with on the day they are going to learn about stolen cars, murder or riots.

Mr Bill is looking forward to being paid soon which is good as the little Bill's all had new trainers today.

Buns of Steel

2007-07-23T19:04:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill had a full day today learning about identification and taking initial statements. At the beginning of the day someone came into the room and spoke sharply to the trainer before leaving - but this was a test for the new recruits to see if they were paying attention and as ever vigilant as they are supposed to be. So now they have to write a statement about what happened and this is to be handed in on Wednesday morning.

On the shiny shoe front the competition is intensifying; one of Mr Bill's colleagues came in today with VERY shiny shoes. So I am unable to ask too many more details about what else Mr Bill did today as he is buffing his boots to a refulgent shine.

Also the trainer has challenged them to think of how you can take the fingerprints of a reluctant subject - apparently it is easy and you don’t even need have buns of steel. Mr Bill is to find out soon.......

End of Week 4

2007-07-20T08:19:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill was in a local town to meet up with the rest of the emergency services who operate in our area. I guess it must be easier to get to know them in an informal situation rather than at the scene of an accident. Unfortunately, with a refurbishment going on, the promised breakfast at the fire station did not materialise :-(

Mr Bill has been spending a great deal of time in an attempt to remain current with paperwork - and he hasn't even arrested anyone yet :-)
He has to keep his notebook up to date with what he has been doing and he also has to answer some mind-numbing questions for the NVQ all police officers now complete as part of their training. Questions such as: How will what you have learned about community affect your work as a police officer?- which have common sense answers but it has taken him ages to put it all down on paper - some poor sap has to read them all now too. Mr Bill was let home early today as he has been so good at keeping his notebook written up properly. So he got home and started reading up for next week when he will learn about taking statements, identification and powers of arrest amongst other things.

All in all it has been another pretty busy week for Mr Bill so he is looking forward to sitting down and having a beer or two and watching some TV. However, I think there might be a few little jobs lined up for him ......

Meet The Beat

2007-07-19T09:12:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill has been meeting all his soon-to-be-colleagues at his station posting: they all seem very nice and are up for a bit of a laugh too which makes life a little lighter. He watched his first criminal being breathalysed, fingerprinted and then locked up.
He met the Domestic Abuse group and found out about the work they do and how they are most busy at about 6pm, when abusive partner is finding fault with the menu choice and then again from 11pm-3am when abusive partner has come home roaring drunk and even less able to restrain any violent impulses. Most abusive partners are blokes but there are abusive wives and girlfriends. What was quite upsetting to hear was that in over 90% of incidences the children are witness to the abuse, and then that most domestic abuse crime never makes it to court as the allegations are withdrawn.
Mr Bill also met the community liaison people too - not quite sure of the correct terminology but they meet with the locals and local authorities and try to cut crime and anti-social behaviour. It seems there are a couple of troublesome estates in Mr Bill's beat.
Today he is being shown round by a PCSO who will point out the local trouble spots and how they deal with itinerant visitors - and the crime they bring with them - the most recent lot are distraction burglars.
On a happier note I need to contact our household insurance provider as I think from the premium they are charging me they cannot realise that Llanffuglen is one of the safest areas to live in. :-)

Local Bill

2007-07-16T11:47:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill went to the local police station today to have a look around. Our local station is very new and full of the latest hi-tech gadgetry with stuff like electronic fingerprints (with back up ink and paper for when the computer crashes!). He got to see the cells and the "special area" where you get to search for drugs or some such which people might have swallowed and after being in the cells for a bit...... I am sure your imagination can supply the details.

Mr Bill commented today on how most of the police officers he meets say how much they enjoy their job and with their next breath tell him, "I've only got X years and X months left." So it seems when Mr Bill is finally past his probation he needs to buy a countdown to retirement chart.

The other thing they often say is how glad they are to be in Llanffuglen and not in that awful crime-ridden hole over the county line - sorry if any of you reading this are living there.

People's Reactions

2007-07-15T11:10:00.000+01:00

Contrary to popular belief, Mr and Mrs Bill do have some friends and we met up with some of them last night. Until he had actually become a copper, Mr Bill kept expecting the Police to say they changed their mind and they didn't want him. So he has been reticent about telling people he had even applied. This means that we keep meeting up with people who ask how is business only for them to hear Mr Bill is the Bill. It has been interesting (and often entertaining) to see their reactions. After picking themselves up from the floor, some make comments to Mr Bill about how they had better watch their step around him. The most common thing said is in relation to speeding, then drink driving.

The most common thing said to Mrs Bill is in regard to man in uniform.....

End Of Another Week

2007-07-13T19:06:00.000+01:00

It is Friday again and so ends another busy wek. Mr Bill has been having to read quite a lot the last few days and it looks like it is going to get worse too. Those who know Mr Bill well will realise how hard he is going to have to work - there can't be many people who can make a novel last as long as Mr Bill. The books which are on the reading list have titles such as "PACE -Police and Criminal Evidence Act". The contents of the books are of great importance for the successful banging up of criminals. If a Police Officer does not do the procedures correctly then the defendant can get off on a technicality and go back on the streets and continue in his felonious lifestyle.

Mr Bill will probably be embarrassed at me for reporting this but he had an assessment today to review his progress so far and he came out with a gold star.

Attestation

2007-07-11T18:29:00.000+01:00

Before Mr Bill is a fully-fledged police officer and allowed to arrest someone, those in power want him to promise he will do it properly and today he has to attest that he will do so.
Most of the family decided to turn up and watch (and not all of them came for the free food either).
Mr Bill looked very smart - and so did all his colleagues (thanks to sellotape fluff removal). Each new police officer had to swear to uphold the law and do their duty - bit like the Brownie/Cub promise but longer words. A Justice of the Peace witnessed the attestation and then after signing a certificate Mr Bill was a proper copper.
There was a lovely spread laid out for us and the little Bills all enjoyed that. It was nice to meet Mr Bill’s colleagues and to see their families too.
We got to have a look at the helicopter - but sadly despite much eyelash fluttering by Miss Bill and even Mr Bill they would not let us have a ride.
Miss Bill was keen to have a look at everyone's shoes to compare shininess - Mr Bill's were very good but ex-marine sergeant had a shine like a mirror (I think he was quite pleased to show them off as he has been polishing them for 30 years).
Mr Bill was allowed to go home after this and now the countdown starts till he arrests someone........

Dr's ABC

2007-07-10T21:25:00.000+01:00

DRSABC is a mnemonic to remember how to treat a casualty. Mr Bill came across a casualty in his assessment today. She seemed to have dropped a television on herself but fortunately she was still breathing. The next casualty had given herself a very nasty plastic cut with a plastic knife.....

D -assess the Danger of the situation where the casualty is
R- consider your Response
S-Shout for help
A-is the Airway clear
B-is the casualty Breathing
C-Circulation; does the casualty have a pulse

Mr Bill saved his casualties and so passed his assessment.

While on parade Mr Bill was commended on his shiny shoes today - so all that polishing is starting to pay off.

We spent the evening trying to iron a crease 1" from the seam on Mr Bill's jacket. It was quite tricky to get a good crease without buning the jacket but I think we managed it.

Mr Bill also had a diversity training session this afternoon that involved watching the film 'Crash' (I am not sure if they were provided with popcorn)

First Aid and Driving But No Blue Flashing Lights

2007-07-09T21:50:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill learned how to give first aid to someone today. He needed to pay close attention, not just because he might save someone's life, but he is going to need to pass an assessment as well!
In days of yore when Mr Bill was working at a large office he was volunteered to be the office first aider and was sent on a three day course so he could be certified as competent. Things have changed quite a lot as to what you are allowed to do. Either people need to breathe less now or their hearts need to beat more as the proportion of compressions to breaths has changed from 15:2 to 30:2
Mr Bill had previously learned how to perform an emergency tracheotomy (which fortunately he never needed to perform) but now you don't get to stab someone in the throat and put a bic biro case in their windpipe, you just have to hope the paramedics get there in time.
After placing everyone who came through the front door in the recovery position Mr Bill is hoping he should pass his assessment.

In other news Mr Bill and his son both had driving tests recently; Mrs Bill is delighted they both passed. Son now has his full driving licence and Mr Bill is allowed to drive any Police vehicle. But he is not allowed to use the blue lights and siren yet!
When Mr Bill said he would have a driving assessment today we assumed it was a matter of driving around Llanffuglen without crashing or running anyone over but it was a full-on driving test. The 'examiner' was an advanced driving tester and he wanted Mr Bill to drive like he was trying to pass his test - but better. Not all of Mr Bill's colleagues passed and yet none of them did anything that bad. Those who failed will have some advanced driving tuition and have anoither assessment - not sure what happens if you fail that.

What Do You Do With the Drunken Policeman?

2007-07-07T11:41:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill and all his colleagues went out for a social evening to get to know each other a bit more and meet some of the previous intake too.
Mr Bill said it was an enjoyable evening; no one got too drunk although some officers like to let their hair down. Mrs Bill offered to give any a lift home at the end of the evening as she was already picking up Mr Bill. Off duty offiicers are just like any one else and are likely to forget their house keys and so have to wake the household up to get back into the house, resulting in getting a rollicking from their partner.....oops!

Fire

2007-07-06T11:20:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill came home from the visit to a local fire station with an increased admiration for those who fight fires, cut people out of cars and rescue cats stuck up trees. Mr Bill was there to be told that if he attends a shout for a fire he is not, under any circumstances, to go into a burning building and try and rescue anyone. Fires do not usually kill people - it is the smoke and the heat that does that. Mr Bill watched some disturbing videos of fires which have occured and from which, hopefully, lessons have been learned. If you do not have a smoke alarm you stand a much smaller chance of getting out of a burning building; if you don't get out pretty quickly you will not get out at all!
Mrs Bill checked our smoke alarms are all working properly and has been telling everyone else to check theirs too.

Radio Fun

2007-07-05T13:27:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill came home yesterday a very happy bunny. He had spent the day being trained in the correct use of the radio. In reality this seems to have involved running around a local beauty spot and playing wide games. He had a good day and had hoped to listen to the radio in the evening to learn some more about the codes and whatnot that he needs to know but actually spent the evening realising our area in rural Wales is almost crime free - nothing much happened and so he might have to wait for Friday night to hear what it is really like.
The new recruits were also encouraged to listen in to the control room after their day but this might be a bit useless unless it is a match day or an event is on. However, if they had listened a couple of days ago it could have been quite exciting; not to be outdone by London and Glasgow, we in Llanffuglen have found a couple of 'bombs' for the bomb squad to come and make safe. Several hours of closed roads, annoyed motorists and disrupted shoppers and controlled explsions later all has been well and surprisingly it would seem we are not the next target of Al-Qaeda terrorists - more likely the batty old woman who leaves her jumble outside the wrong shop.

Today Mr Bill is learning exactly what do firefighters do apart from rescue stranded cyclists

Stop In The Name Of The Law

2007-07-03T12:35:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill was off early this morning to be ready for an early start of stopping traffic. I am not sure of the exact wording being used but I would imagine the title to this post is more accurate than "Stand and Deliver". (I think it is more hand actions than saying anything)
Mr Bill was hoping for some sunshine rather than the constant pouring rain we have had in Llanffuglen. Actually the weather was not too bad, the sun was shining - even the young lady on her driving test thought it was going ok until she saw a Police Officer slowing down traffic and panicked, slammed on the brakes, hurriedly wound down her window to enquire of the officer what was wrong......

Big Cheese, Guns and Roses

2007-07-02T20:03:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill met the "Big Cheese" Chief Inspector today; he had given a talk last week but had not chatted to them as he did today. Seems he has a sense of humour too as he tried to play a joke on a couple of the new recruits.
The "Guns" was a talk from a firearm officer, accompanied by gruesome photos and descriptions. Fortunately no-one fainted. Mr Bill thinks it might be interesting to join the ARV unit (if that is the correct term) and get to drive around with a vehicle full of powerful weapons.
The "Roses" was the cardboard from the packet of chocolates used to wedge the projector into place (OK so it was Celebrations).

Mr Bill also met a couple of people from the Station he is assigned to and was pleased to report that they seem very friendly.

First Week Over

2007-07-01T16:29:00.000+01:00

So it is Sunday and Mr Bill has survived his first week. He has learned how important it is to understand diversity, safely lift his very heavy books, seen the computer system, been inspected in his uniform (and very smart he looked too), and he has met some interesting people. He was relieved to find they do not think he is too old. Coppers are not getting younger anymore!
I think Mr Bill was most relieved to find that despite the best efforts of The Press to persuade us that The Police Service has gone into Political Correctness Overdrive, it has not and there were some very sensible people who said some very sensible things to him this week. Long may it last.

Mr Bill was delighted that there are some interesting things going to happen over the next few months; classroom stuff obviously but interspersed with days out and even 'team building exercises' which Mrs Bill thinks sounds like a dissimulation for having a fun day out and enjoying yourselves!

On Parade

2007-06-26T21:12:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill had to leave early this morning as they were on parade - I think I had visions of them square bashing and having someone shout at them for not having shiny shoes but I think in actuality it was just a uniform check! It was a little fraught in the household with Mr B trying frantically to make sure he had everything he needed and then realising he might not be supposed to wear his shirt in the car on the way to HQ and so sorting out something else to wear; the children tried to stay out of his way. Mr B had an interesting day, the parade was just a uniform check and he came home a little early and we had a joke about it at tea time.

Tenterhooks

2007-06-25T18:02:00.000+01:00

I have been on tenterhooks today waiting to hear how Mr B has been getting on. He was slightly apprehensive but generally looking forward to his new career.

6.05 pm Well I have heard from him - he has just finished for the day and said it all went ok and he will tell me all about it when he gets home. I am relieved it all went ok. He got his uniform and they want them to look smart with everything pressed for tomorrow.

8pm He is home and has had tea and has brought in a shed load of stuff: uniform, jackets, stab vest, belt, baton, handcuffs (which just about everyone tried on), numbers on pins to put on epaulettes, and some wallets and notebooks. He has got to go on parade tomorrow but no one has shown him how to assemble all the epaulettes and the number pins - we have done what we think and are hoping for the best

Getting Nervous

2007-06-21T22:59:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill is starting to get a bit nervous now - how much joshing is there going to be and how much of the pre-reading pack will they expect him to have learned?
The children want to see all the kit he is going to have - but I don't suppose you get all the stuff you are going to use catching criminals on day 1 - I'm assuming it is just the uniform.
We watched "Hot Fuzz" yesterday (it finally arrived - thanks Play.com) It was so funny - I think there will be more things to spot on a second viewing. I listened to an interview with Simon Pegg and he said there are lines from films in it for those into that kind of thing.
We have been watching some of the reality Police programmes to see real Police officers but we also watched 'Holby Blue' a few times to see if we can identify ranks epaulettes and wonder just how inaccurate the portrayal is! I do like the custody Sergeant in it fair but funny. I kind of wonder if 'The Thin Blue Line' is that kind of copper. He writes a great blog:

Police Camera Paperwork

... that is the other thing we've been doing - reading some of the warts and all police blogs.

Not Long Now

2007-06-18T18:08:00.000+01:00

Not long until Mr Bill starts and really is 'The Bill'. The boots are shined and worn in, the forms are all filled in and attempts have been made to learn all the stuff sent as pre-reading.

Buff to a High Shine

2007-06-16T16:47:00.000+01:00

Well, having been told Police Officers have to provide their own footwear and bearing in mind that Llanffuglen is in the middle of nowhere the internet seemed the only way to obtain suitable footwear. So Mr Bill spent a long time perusing internet footwear to choose some boots. They arrived and most amazingly they fitted (I told him they wouldn't - 'cos he always tries on loads of shoes before he finds ones that fit!)
Having been told that he would be expected to keep his shoes really, really shiny he has started polishing them. I have been examing the footwear of all policemen I have seen recently - so if you are a Copper and some mad woman has been looking closely at your feet it could have been me - and some of you do not have very shiny shoes. There are several ways to get a high gloss finish and we seem to have settled on a spit and polish type method - just no spit, only water, as apparently it is bad for the shoes.
There are people who are experts at polishing shoes -
some have won competitions

Mrs Old Bill in training

2007-06-15T18:42:00.000+01:00

Mr Bill received a pack from HQ of stuff to read and learn before he starts
So far we have learned 'The Caution" - the whole family (even the cat) learned it before He did.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. anything you do say may be given in evidence.

We also know the codes especially the most important code 4, oh no I mean code 0.

Not too long now - uniform fitting and hepatitis injections and even some of the pre-reading done too!

That's not Fat....

2007-03-05T16:36:00.000Z

Today was the medical - He has been watching too many army films and seems to think he needs to be superfit - so He has been down the gym every day and so has a rather attractive 6-pack forming - unfortunately it is hidden rather well by a layer of body fat. I did not know the Police were so picky about BMIs. But He got through anyway - just as his BMI was near the limit. He did manage to get to 12 on the beep test but felt he should stop as everyone else had and he is a bit paranoid about showing off. I have no idea what 12 on a beep test is but I guess it is good!

He Got Through

2006-06-10T10:32:00.000+01:00

We have finally got a letter telling us my husband, Mr Bill, has been accepted into the Police. It has been months and months since we first saw they were accepting applications. As long as he passes the medical he is in!

Wannabee Copper

2006-05-19T19:01:00.000+01:00

My significant other is hoping he will soon be joining a rural police force in deepest, darkest, wettest, Welshest Wales and we thought it might be interesting to document what is happening as we will probably forget it all. Also to see if He remembers the same as me!