What a Shi**y Job…

A report straight from Mr Bill

I was on duty at the big hospital in Llanffuglen, accompanied by my colleague PC PAVA Queen (so named as she has been spraying PAVA like it’s hairspray). We had been in attendance at the hospital since 0730 in the morning, keeping an eye on PLONKER. Earlier he had insisted he had swallowed a quantity of heroin and therefore could not stay in our lovely comfy cells at the police station, instead it was up to the tax payer to make funds available for PLONKER to stay in a high dependency unit, guarded by two police constables at all times.

And so it was that I was seated near the bed, and PC PAVA Queen was standing near the end of the bed. PLONKER was stood between both myself and PC PAVA Queen when without warning he threw the contents of a plastic cup of tea in my direction, which resulted in my face and front of my shirt being covered in tea. Almost simultaneously he threw the contents of a plastic cup of water over PC PAVA Queen and started to move towards her. I immediately rose to my feet and at the same time and as I did so, PLONKER was already next to PC PAVA Queen and was attempting to pass her. As he did so, PC PAVA Queen grabbed PLONKER by the upper chest area in an attempt to stop him. As PC PAVA Queen did this, I was immediately behind PLONKER. PLONKER then grabbed PC PAVA Queen’s radio with his right hand in what seemed like an attempt to take it from her. PC PAVA Queen pulled PLONKER’s hand away. I had now managed to get hold of PLONKER’s left hand, and followed this through with a knee strike to PLONKER’s left leg which had the desired effect of bringing him to the ground. As PLONKER descended to the floor, all three of us slipped, due to the amount of water and tea and slippery floor. I saw PC PAVA Queen fall backwards and as she did so, PLONKER looked as though he was reaching for her incapacitant spray. As he did this, PC PAVA QUEEN pulled PLONKER’s hand away from the canister and then held the canister and shouted “SPRAY” in a loud clear manner, allowing me to take evasive action prior to her deploying the incapacitant spray. As PC PAVA Queen released the spray, PLONKER immediately felt the effect and screamed out as the spray took effect. PLONKER was now face down and I managed to handcuff him in the back stack position. PLONKER continued to struggle with ourselves, but we managed to restrain him on the floor, and once he had calmed down to a stage where he would listen to instructions, PC PAVA Queen and myself lifted him to the seated position. However, PLONKER was continuing to shout and scream, causing surrounding patients and staff at the hospital distress.

Approximately one minute after placing PLONKER into the seated position, several colleagues arrived and helped to escort PLONKER out of the ward into the fresh air to help relieve the symptoms of the incapacitant spray. As soon as PLONKER was in a fit state to understand instructions, I told him that he was under arrest for assault on Police Officers. PLONKER then remained handcuffed for the rest of the day…

A bit later, PLONKER was moved to a private room and it was gratifying to see that he was still suffering irritation from the pepper spray that had been administered some hours earlier. Whilst in the room, PLONKER admitted to PC PAVA Queen and myself “I HAVEN’T GOT ANYTHING IN ME, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE” PC PAVA Queen then clarified with PLONKER what he meant by “ANYTHING” to which PLONKER replied “I DIDN’T SWALLOW ANY HEROIN IN CUSTODY, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE”.

PLONKER then apologised to myself and PC PAVA Queen stating the only reason he had thrown tea and water over us was due to his need to “GET SOME GEAR”.

PC PAVA Queen and myself remained in immediate proximity with PLONKER until he had evacuated his bowels with the aid of a very strong hospital laxative. The attending nurse examined the stools and waste matter and confirmed there were no illegal substances present. After this PLONKER was allowed a shot of methadone to calm the cravings he was starting to have for heroin.

All of the above took up the whole shift, and so it was at the end of the shift that we returned with PLONKER to the police station and then to the comfy cells of custody and it is there where he will stay until the court has decided what to do with him. Oh yes, and apparently the hospital laxative will continue to work on PLONKER for at least the next 12 hours – what a shame :-)