What a Shi**y Job…

A report straight from Mr Bill

I was on duty at the big hospital in Llanffuglen, accompanied by my colleague PC PAVA Queen (so named as she has been spraying PAVA like it’s hairspray). We had been in attendance at the hospital since 0730 in the morning, keeping an eye on PLONKER. Earlier he had insisted he had swallowed a quantity of heroin and therefore could not stay in our lovely comfy cells at the police station, instead it was up to the tax payer to make funds available for PLONKER to stay in a high dependency unit, guarded by two police constables at all times.

And so it was that I was seated near the bed, and PC PAVA Queen was standing near the end of the bed. PLONKER was stood between both myself and PC PAVA Queen when without warning he threw the contents of a plastic cup of tea in my direction, which resulted in my face and front of my shirt being covered in tea. Almost simultaneously he threw the contents of a plastic cup of water over PC PAVA Queen and started to move towards her. I immediately rose to my feet and at the same time and as I did so, PLONKER was already next to PC PAVA Queen and was attempting to pass her. As he did so, PC PAVA Queen grabbed PLONKER by the upper chest area in an attempt to stop him. As PC PAVA Queen did this, I was immediately behind PLONKER. PLONKER then grabbed PC PAVA Queen’s radio with his right hand in what seemed like an attempt to take it from her. PC PAVA Queen pulled PLONKER’s hand away. I had now managed to get hold of PLONKER’s left hand, and followed this through with a knee strike to PLONKER’s left leg which had the desired effect of bringing him to the ground. As PLONKER descended to the floor, all three of us slipped, due to the amount of water and tea and slippery floor. I saw PC PAVA Queen fall backwards and as she did so, PLONKER looked as though he was reaching for her incapacitant spray. As he did this, PC PAVA QUEEN pulled PLONKER’s hand away from the canister and then held the canister and shouted “SPRAY” in a loud clear manner, allowing me to take evasive action prior to her deploying the incapacitant spray. As PC PAVA Queen released the spray, PLONKER immediately felt the effect and screamed out as the spray took effect. PLONKER was now face down and I managed to handcuff him in the back stack position. PLONKER continued to struggle with ourselves, but we managed to restrain him on the floor, and once he had calmed down to a stage where he would listen to instructions, PC PAVA Queen and myself lifted him to the seated position. However, PLONKER was continuing to shout and scream, causing surrounding patients and staff at the hospital distress.

Approximately one minute after placing PLONKER into the seated position, several colleagues arrived and helped to escort PLONKER out of the ward into the fresh air to help relieve the symptoms of the incapacitant spray. As soon as PLONKER was in a fit state to understand instructions, I told him that he was under arrest for assault on Police Officers. PLONKER then remained handcuffed for the rest of the day…

A bit later, PLONKER was moved to a private room and it was gratifying to see that he was still suffering irritation from the pepper spray that had been administered some hours earlier. Whilst in the room, PLONKER admitted to PC PAVA Queen and myself “I HAVEN’T GOT ANYTHING IN ME, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE” PC PAVA Queen then clarified with PLONKER what he meant by “ANYTHING” to which PLONKER replied “I DIDN’T SWALLOW ANY HEROIN IN CUSTODY, I MADE IT UP TO GET OUT OF THERE”.

PLONKER then apologised to myself and PC PAVA Queen stating the only reason he had thrown tea and water over us was due to his need to “GET SOME GEAR”.

PC PAVA Queen and myself remained in immediate proximity with PLONKER until he had evacuated his bowels with the aid of a very strong hospital laxative. The attending nurse examined the stools and waste matter and confirmed there were no illegal substances present. After this PLONKER was allowed a shot of methadone to calm the cravings he was starting to have for heroin.

All of the above took up the whole shift, and so it was at the end of the shift that we returned with PLONKER to the police station and then to the comfy cells of custody and it is there where he will stay until the court has decided what to do with him. Oh yes, and apparently the hospital laxative will continue to work on PLONKER for at least the next 12 hours – what a shame :-)

Violence on the Streets of Llanffuglen

Friday and Saturday nights are now well known by all to be times when the good citizens of the UK go out and get merry, then get even merrier and then start to get extremely merry, and then finally get violent.

Friday and Saturday nights are now well known by all to be times when the good citizens of the UK go out and get merry, then get even merrier and then start to get extremely merry, and then finally get violent.

Well it seems that Llanffuglen is no different from the rest of the UK, and despite its picturesque outlook and rolling green pastures, Llanffuglen attracts all sorts to its town centre at the weekend. The majority of these revellers are no problem at all to the police, and in fact it is rather funny to sit inside a patrol car at various stages of the evening and gradually see people getting drunker and drunker, until by 0200hrs, the lady who was immaculately turned out at 2000hrs the night before, can now no longer remember how to walk properly and has great pleasure in trying to hail a police car in the mistaken thought that it is a taxi (I guess it is our own fault as we have those silly signs on the top of the car that look very similar).

It is also incredible how much alcohol smells on the breath. This is extremely noticeable as revellers place their head by the open drivers window of the police car and speak utter nonsense to the police officer inside. Being someone who appreciates a drink myself, it has been interesting to be completely sober and witness the events of the evening unfold, especially how violent people seem to become. Females have arguments over the silliest things, and the use of the stiletto heels that they have so painfully been enduring on their feet make marvellous weapons when used in their hands!

But blokes are the worst - official. They constantly go around in good humoured groups, pushing and shoving each other in boyish ways, and then later into the evening, the pushing becomes more forceful, but due to the lubricating effects of alcohol, it is all accepted within the group - even when the pushing becomes very forceful and then progresses to feats of strength where one of the group tries lifting the other up - often with the obvious result of both individuals falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. Yes, this is all good fun for blokes and to be honest, it is funny to look at when sitting inside a police car, listening out to the police radio in case a domestic or road traffic accident demands our attention.

However, it is once the happy and funny stunts have finished that life really gets interesting - this is normally anywhere from 2300hrs onwards and goes on until maybe 0400 or 0500hrs. This is the time that the alcohol and also the drugs have really allowed the brains of those that like to take things to excess the chance to really say and do what they really really want.

This may be as harmless as bearing their backsides to passing pedestrians and motorists, or maybe trying to 'tightrope walk' along the bridge wall that separates them from being dry and alive, to possibly being wet and dead. But possibly the worst effect is that of stimulating the human being to think that they are super-human and can take on the world - whether the world wants them to or not.

So as last night was Saturday night and Mr. Bill being on an evening shift, he and his colleagues donned their protective stab vests and all weather gear (it was a horrible rainy night at times) and patrolled the merry streets of Llanffuglen, helping to protect the community therein.

There were the usual calls in the early evening - a shoplifter at the supermarket, youths causing problems kicking cans and bins. Neighbours needing the police to talk to the other neighbour, and then calling the police back ten minutes later because "Next door has started doing it again!". Yes, this is the warm-up time when patrol cars are dispatched to sort out all the silly problems that can't normally be rectified for a permanent resolution, merely sticking plasters that will help stop the wound from hurting for a while longer.

But last night seemed to go very quickly and it was soon 0300 hours. Mr Bill was sitting near a local night club, wondering how the girls didn't catch a cold as they were wearing so little, and also wondering just how far we are ahead of the apes in our evolutionary progress as he saw groups of males trying to climb lampposts, bearing their chests to each other and generally staggering home on autopilot.

However, he was approached by a female stating that there was a male nearby who had assaulted her last month and that the police were looking for him. After checking with the operations room that the female was telling the truth and that the police were looking for this male (I really could not call him a man or a gentleman after knowing what he has done), Mr. Bill approached the male to inform him that he was arresting him for the assault on the female last month and that the male should come along with Mr. Bill quietly and immediately. The male seemed to take offence at the sight of Mr. Bill (maybe it's the tie I was wearing or it could have been the cologne), and so the male made it quite clear to Mr. Bill in words that would offend most decent-minded folks that the male did not want to accompany Mr. Bill, and that Mr. Bill was free to go and do several things, none of which could be printed on this page.

And so it was that Mr. Bill laid his hand on the male and told him that he was under arrest. Fortunately Mr. Bill’s colleagues had also turned up and another police officer held the male’s other hand. Cutting a long story short, the male was very uncooperative and showed this by placing his head very hard and very forcibly into Mr. Bill's head, causing quite a bit of pain to Mr. Bill. (in civvie parlance: he headbutted him, Mrs Bill)

This really was a very silly thing to do, as the male now had added to his list of crimes 'Police Assault'. The male was swiftly brought to the ground as Mr. Bill lifted the male’s leg forwards and Mr. Bill’s colleagues assisted gravity to bring the male to the ground where he was then restrained by the use of handcuffs.

However, this was not before PAVA (pepper) spray had been deployed by a colleague of Mr. Bill. As PAVA is not particularly discriminate in focusing its attention only on naughty people, several police including Mr. Bill also found out what it is like to be sprayed with PAVA.

I can state for the record that it is not a pleasant experience, but at least the next time a low-life asks me "Have you ever tried that stuff out on yourself?", I can honestly say "Yes".

After the incident, the male was taken to police custody, and upon searching the male, a small quantity of white powder was found in his jeans - allowing yet another charge to be levelled at the male - "Illegal possession of a controlled substance".

The male did not seem to find it nearly as funny as Mr. Bill as the cell door slammed shut. Just to make sure the male was ok, Mr. Bill did open the flap of the door and ask the male if there was anything else he could do for him. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, the male uttered words that yet again cannot be published on a website where decent folk may be browsing.

Mr. Bill closed the flap shut and then went to A&E to get his head and hand looked at.

All was ok with Mr. Bill’s head, it would seem that although the collision of the male’s head against Mr. Bill's was heard by all at the scene, with several people wincing at the sound, Mr. Bill will live to 'fight', or maybe that should be 'serve' another day.

(Mr Bill’s head has a small bump – but no bruising apparent at present. He does have a cut on his finger and some minor scrapes to his arm. His eyes continued to sting for some time and still appear a little red. (Mrs Bill))

Feel the Force

Well apologies from Mrs Bill for whom the study of Shakespeare and assorted poets has been very time-consuming of recent weeks. ‘Poet’ is quite an elastic term to describe some of the literary outpourings to which Mrs Bill has subjected the reluctant ears of the little Bills to on the way to school of a morning.

Fortunately Mr Bill has not allowed any of this to deter him from his mission of removing the miscreants who endeavour to make the lives of ordinary law-abiding people less pleasant and often considerably more dangerous. Several of them have ‘Felt The Force’ of Mr Bill’s wrath in recent weeks and at least one is having a sojourn at her Majesty’s pleasure until such time as he appears before a Court. Mr Bill has been very busy making up a ‘full file’ in the meantime. While the rest of us ordinary mortals thought that the police arrested the criminals and it was the job of the lawyers to make the case it turns out that these highly skilled individuals are paid far too much money to worry about trivial things like compiling a case from evidence supplied by the police. The Bill clan are watching with interest to see at what stage the legal eagles actually do some work.

Mr Bill has been making extensive use of the driving skills he learned on his course and has managed to shave several minutes off previous best times for some journeys. He needs to make sure he retains all the skills as he is hoping to attend the advanced driving course at some point in the future. Just don’t ask him how long it takes to drive anywhere as it is so much quicker when you are in a police car with blue lights and siren going!

Mr Bill has been so good as to supply me with a selection of photos of aspects of his work to be included as illustration in the blog. To begin here is a picture of his current mentor.
(He does not usually look so rough, but this was taken after a particularly hard shift)