Intelligence and Alcohol

Today Mr Bill had a session this morning entitled "Introduction to Intelligence" - that's a bit rich when he has been exercising his brain cells all weekend learning amongst other things: Powers of Entry as contained in PACE 17, 18, 19, and 117. I like 117 as it is all about having the right to smash down doors because you believe you need to - I guess you do have to justify it a bit more.
Of course the intelligence doesn’t refer to the recruits' own intellect but is about collecting information about individuals and crimes. Then they learned how this is all collated and redistributed to the relevant people. Some of the guidelines they were given seemed like commonsense to me - such as not giving the accused access to details of the informants or they might go round and visit them ........
This afternoon was the 'Social Effects of Alcohol' and 'Drunkenness in Public Places'
Up to 50% of all crime is drink related and 90% of Social Disorder offences – not really surprising I suppose.

Mr Bill was given the 5 stage guide to drunkenness:

Stage 1 – CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire pub and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still CLEVER, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.


At the station where Mr Bill is to be located the custody sergeants do not take kindly to having their clean cells messed up by vomiting, incontinent drunks who just need a good sleep in a safe place. So he was told just take the person home and let them sleep it off. But maybe not like this: